Death

As a woman living just for herself I never truly took thought to death. I knew it would come and that was all that there was to it. I was living simply to live and death would change nothing.

As a mother death terrifies me. Not only for myself but for my daughter. She has pushed me to believe so much more in God and to have faith.

As we traveled to and from Tennessee this past week I caught myself praying for God to keep us safe on the highways. Last night we hit fog that was so dense we could barely see the car in front of us. As I sat, in the back, with my daughter and Tim drove I continued to think oh, God protect my family. Protect us from the dangers we could possibly hit. I then had a thought. What if I died?

Have you ever truly thought on that question? I sure did. I became terrified that 1. I have not lived fully for my God. 2. My daughter would be left with no mother. Nothing, nothing can prepare you for death. You can live under the fear of it, or you can change your life because of the fear.

Last night I chose to change. I want to live for God, for my daughter, for my husband. I want people to look at me and see the light within me. I want to live doing what God has for me. I don't want to be scared to change my career, my attitude, or my way of life. I have to thank God for the things he has done in my life this past year. He has done so much my whole life; but this past year has left me speechless.

So, take a moment and thank God for the blessings he has given. Take a moment and truly look at your life and ask yourself, "What if I were to die?"

Eddison's Story

Eddison - 1 week old!

First of all - I am a MOMMA! Eddison arrived on August 23rd @ 11:04pm. She was and is perfect... the point of this blog though is because a friend of mine told me I should share my story of how Eddison was born.

I have been blogging since we found out we were expecting. I want Eddison to have something she can go back to when she decides to be a momma, or if she ever doubts why we had her, or if we love her. I want one day for her to continue the blog; maybe change the title to MY STORY. I don't know. Whatever she chooses is best. Anyway.....

The last 38 weeks 3 days, and 11 weeks 4 days have been a trial, a blessing, and a roller coaster. All of it I would not trade for anything. I am so beyond blessed to be a mother. There is nothing in this life I would want to be. Nothing I would rather have... I am a momma and I am so happy.

Now - had you met me say 6 years ago... I wanted to be single, living in New York, and working my life away. How in the hell I thought that was what I wanted I will never know. My life is completely surrounded by my daughter. Everything... EVERYTHING is about her.

Life wouldn't be worth living if she were not a part of it. I love her so very much... and here is her story as written August 31st, 2013. There may be a few things I either did not know or may forgot... but that was as I recalled.

Those of you expecting, Congratulations! Those who just had a baby, Congratulations! Those who are already mommas, Congratulations!

Here is Eddison's Story.

Momma & Daddy

I keep thinking of the simple fact - I will be a momma within 19 days. Tim and I will be parents in a few weeks.

To be 100% honest with everyone.... I never - NEVER - thought I would be a mom. I was going to be a single lady, living in NYC with her cats. Today though, I am married to the most amazing man, I am about to have our first child, and yes I have cats and a dog.

I thank God for intervening in my life and giving me these things I have. I am so blessed to have the things I do. "God thank you for the things you have given and taken from me." I believe that with my whole being.

If I were to be pregnant without Tim being the father I can honestly say I am unsure how I would manage.

Tim is my better half. He is my rock, my home, my companion, my best friend, and my soul mate. The fact he will be in the room while Eddison is being born brings me this calm I never thought I could find. The fact he will be holding my hand, rubbing my back, combing my hair makes me feel at peace with what labor and delivery may bring. He has this way of bringing me to Earth calmly.

There is no worry for what type of dad he will be. He will be amazing. For this, I know he will make me an amazing momma to Eddison. He brings out the good in me. Therefore, Eddison is going to have an amazing man to look up to. She will use him as her guide to finding a husband. For that, I am thankful.

I can not wait to meet her. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and kiss her all over. I cant wait to look into her eyes and see the little girl we made together.

So bring it on Momma title. I can do this. Tim can do this. We will be great parents. (Lord willing)

Taking it a day at a time.

Life is too short. No matter how you look at it there doesn't seem to be enough time to do all the things you would like to do or are supposed to do.

A dear friend of both my husband and I passed away this week. I am in complete shock and disbelief at how this is possible. It seems like just yesterday he was at our house talking trucks, politics, and food. Then he isn't here anymore.

My heart breaks every time I think of him. He was always so kind, so easy to get along with, and eager to help anyone. I called him the gentle giant. How is it possible he is no longer here? I saw the post on FB from a friend saying R.I.P and I simply kept saying no.

With the death of Bro. Kenneth earlier this month to Dustin's death I am completely drained and my heart is in pain. I don't know that I can handle more grief. I miss them both so badly. Their smiles, their eyes, their way of talking with me. It was like no matter what, when they spoke you were the center of attention to them. Nothing else mattered.

So, how is it these two angels are gone?

Then, I have to witness my husband grieve. It seems he doesn't want to show the pain, but at times he is hit with a wave of sadness. I don't know how to help him through. I don't know what to say to make him feel better. I simply am at a loss.

I truly miss these men. I miss those who I've lost throughout the time I have known Tim. I am so thankful God has given me a husband who knows how to calm me down when I fail miserably to take his pain away.

From my cousin Cameron to Dustin. I cant wait to see you all again. To hear your voice, or to have another conversation. Cameron, Vicki, Kenneth, Karla, Dustin... the list goes on. I truly miss you all.

Testimony

I was able to hear a beautiful testimony of the power of prayer and it got me to thinking of how God has been such a huge part of my life within the past year. I don't want to fail and say he wasn't there before - he was. I wasn't. I was selfish and so self absorbed I didn't know how to allow God to get glory. It was not a moment in my life story I am proud of. Yet, here I am and can look back on those days and give him all the thanks he deserves.

The testimony I heard was from a friend who is due before Tim and I. She was told her little boy was breech and if he did not turn she would have to have a C-section. She wrote of how she started with the question why me. Then with prayer and Gods grace she was given peace about the situation. IF she were to have a C-section it was God's will. The great moment where God intervenes. Her little boy is head down and she will be able to labor the way she wanted to. God is truly amazing.

Because of this testimony I think on my own pregnancy. On the moments where I thought why me? Then I thought on all the things where he has stepped in and guided me. I am beyond thankful for those moments.

As we near the arrival of Eddison I can't help but think about how I have one HUGE decision to make. Will we have her at OU or will we have her at home.

There are so many things I feel, heard, think, etc. That guide me in what I think is best for our baby. Then there is my husband. Does he want the same thing? If yes or no, why? I feel once we get to talking about it he turns his listening off. I don't want him to feel like he is being pressured into something he doesn't want to do.

Please pray for us.

The Slap

You know those moments that you think - yep, nothing will happen from this. Then it slaps you in the face and you are wide eyed and so thankful you took part in the moment...well I had one of those moments this weekend.

There are a lot of things on my mind about this pregnancy and I was honestly becoming discouraged by the fact I have no definite answer. Do we ever have a definite answer? So, I thought if anyone can give me the answer it is God.

Well - Saturday night rolls around and I feel awful. Tired beyond belief, up every hour, can't get comfortable, heartburn, and just plain miserable. I woke up Sunday morning thinking forget it. I am not going to church. I wont get the answer I am longing for anyway. I won't get anything from service, and it was raining. I will stay home and rest.

Then a little nudge. I got dressed. Then Tim asks if I am going to church. Ironic. He knew nothing of my wanting to skip out. This is odd because he never asks me if I am going. So, I think okay sure I will go. By this time it is already 10am and I figure forget it. We will be late and I don't want to go.

Another nudge.

My friend Jordan sends me a text asking, "You going to be at church?" SLAP! Okay God you have my attention. I will be there. Late, tired, and all.

The moment I walk into the church I am overcome with happiness. Tired still, but happy. Once we sit down I think.. wow small crowd. Then I turn and see Braiden Fisher. I instantly become filled with joy at seeing him there. Then the church fills up. Brother after Brother stand. Testimonies, prayers, songs, prophecies, preachings.... every one seemed to hit home with me. I kept telling myself stay in your seat.

Then finally I decided to stand. I wanted to stand and say how Satan had almost won with me. I almost didn't come. Had it not been for the question and the text this morning. I would not have stood had it not been for two brethren standing to their feet to testify. I would not have stood but I did not want to fall short. I stood and shared how afraid I was that my daughter would not have the faith to fall back on, that I had been tormented following my baptism by Satan. I stood and shared everything I had felt that morning. Upon sitting I thought that sure was pointless.

Then Braiden began to sing. Wow... and then a sister stood to her feet to testify that all she wanted was to hear him sing. Then Braiden stood to say how he felt the spirit the moment he walked in to sing, but was fearful. Yet, had it not been for my standing to my feet he would not have done. That he was so thankful he did because that sister was in need and was able to have her prayer fulfilled.

I was overcome with joy.

Then here comes Sis. Odessa. She came and prayed for me. As soon as she got on her knee I was in tears. Her prayer was beautiful and filled with everything I had asked. The biggest thing I took from it was she prayed God would fill me with the type of faith my grandfather Jack had. I may not have known him, but wow his legacy holds strong. She then prayed God would guide us in the pregnancy and that my companion would be filled with faith during this time and would see by my example what the faith can do.

Again, I was overcome with joy.

So - although Satan may have almost won. God most certainly was triumphant in this battle. My heart and soul have been filled with peace, calm, and happiness since that morning. It has not ceased to thank him for the things he allowed me to see, hear, and witness.

My thought. If God puts it in your heart, even just a small grain, we should follow through. We should stand tall on what he has given us. We should grasp the moment and be patient to see where it will lead us. Who knows you may receive the SLAP!

Little Things

It keeps popping into my mind about how quickly life moves. There is no way to stop time from turning. We simply take each day as it is given and a lot of times we take them for granted.

This week has been an eye opener to me. One morning a man is healthy and ready to take on tomorrow. The next he is no longer in our lives. How quickly does life change... This pregnancy is yet another example of how quick life changes. Today we sit here looking on only 8 more weeks and our baby will arrive. Where have the last 7 months gone?

I truly wish there were a way to say HANG ON and time listen. But, that isn't so. Instead we need to use each moment to the fullest. We should take each minute and really look at the life we have.

How blessed am I to have a husband who supports me, friends who are there within a minute if I need them, a family who comes together just to be together, and a church family who is simply a call away if I ever need? Not everyone has those things, but everyone has something that is a blessing to them. Possibly their job, a child, a pet, etc. So, when I sit here and become sad about things I am going to think on those good things.

I will smile knowing God is looking down at me. I will smile knowing I have taken the time to follow through on his word. I will smile on all the moments in my life where I truly enjoyed what was taking place. I will laugh at the times where I sat staring at the clock wanting it to move faster.

What is it we are so eager to get to? I tell you this. I no longer will monitor the clock to simply pass the time. I will instead embrace the moments I have and hold them near to my heart.

I guess it is true. It's the little things in life.

A Man of Honor

Yesterday did not go as I had planned. That is the funny thing about God. He doesn't care what your plans are. He has his own.

I had all intentions of going to pick up a free rocker until I could get the one from my friends in Tahoka. That was until about 4:45... I received 2 phone calls from my friend and had to ignore them because of my work. I knew something wasn't right because rarely will she call so many times.

I sent a text saying I was sorry about not answering but what was up... her response, "My grandpa may be dying."

Those 5 words turned my world upside down.

I couldn't focus, I wanted to leave - running - out the door to get to him and to her. I waited patiently and at 5 I ran. Once I arrived I was greeted with an awake, drowsy, and weak grandpa. But he was alive and it was all I could focus on.

The ride to their house was so long. I was constantly reminded of church this Sunday. The power of healing. The power of prayer, the power of following God's word, the fact we all have a special gift in the faith and I kept praying God would grant me healing. At least for today.

As I sat with my friend I continued to think how thankful I was for her and her family, for her being there and not being on a deployment. I looked around the room at faces I have known my whole life and was overcome with joy. I looked into his face and saw that he knew who I was.

That sweet man who for so long was like a grandfather to me as well. No matter where he was he would make a point to say hello, he would make sure I felt welcomed, he was always so concerned with others and completely selfless.

Yes, there were times I thought, "Wow he sure can talk." But, I am so thankful I had those conversations with him. He was the perfect example of a man living solely by faith and was an example for me in how I want to lead my life.

Then this morning.

Another upside down. I get a phone and the first words I hear are... "Rina, my grandpa died." I froze. I simply couldn't come up with words to make sure she was okay. I couldn't think past the horror of how, why, when. The only words that would come were, "What?"

Today I am taking the time to truly appreciate the life we are given. I want to take the time to examine my life and how I lead it. I want to share with the world what he gave me even in his last moments.

Bro. Kenneth and Sis. Alma June are two of the best people. While there Sis. Alma June was so concerned with my getting the baby gift she and Bro. Kenneth had got for our little girl. I was speechless. How could they be so concerned with something so small when something so big was happening. As I left, she reminded me to take the gift. I smiled and told her I wouldn't leave without it.

On the way home I thought to myself how special these people were to me. How he looked so much better from the moment I had first arrived. I said one last prayer to God. I prayed that God's will be done and if it is to take him from this world that it happen quickly and peacefully.

I got home and opened this gift. It was pink (we all know I am not a huge fan of pink) but I didn't care. I looked at this elephant holding a blanket and thought Eddison will love this. I went to sleep with prayers in my mind for the whole family and a smile on my face. The smile because of all the memories I have.

So, upon the call this morning I was frozen. Yet, I was thankful God took him in his sleep with no struggle. God had heard and had delivered.

Later my friend told me that he had gained enough strength to talk, and had asked if I received that baby gift. I smiled and giggled at the thought. He was still concerned about my baby and her present and was completely unselfish in his ways. This is the man I knew and loved. That present of Eddison's will forever be a part of her life. I will share the story with her, and I will share all the memories of this man and his faith.

He is in Heaven looking down smiling. He is probably telling stories to anyone with an ear to hear. He is holding tight to those who left before him and waiting patiently to be reunited with those still on earth.

I know nothing can ease the pain of losing someone. However, I have full faith that one day, those holes will be filled with the good times, the stories, the preaching's, and the testimonies of a man who completely had the hearts of many. The tears that are falling from these cheeks will be happy tears, from memories shared.

I pray God sends comfort to Alma June, my dear friend, and the Herring family. I pray peace comes to them as they close their eyes. I pray he wraps his arms around them through this time.

RIP Bro. Kenneth Herring. We love you.

Faith Based Healing - Understanding

My whole life I have come in contact with people who don't fully understand where or what exactly my faith means.

The older I get I seem to get a clearer idea of just what it means to me. If ever I were to be cornered and asked what it means I believe I could answer.

This answer would be based on my life experiences and my relationship with God. It wouldn't be what someone told me or what I "should" believe. It is 100% based on me and God.

Faith based healing is something most are so against it is easy to close ones ears prior to even getting an explanation after they have asked what it means.

I feel that with this pregnancy it has gotten somewhat harder for people to understand where my faith lies. So, let me start with this.
1. I want a natural birth
2. I want my baby born at home
3. I don't want the use of medication to be anywhere near my child during this process.

Now, a little background.
I grew up in a church where going to the doctor was.... well... rare. Now, did it mean if you went you were bound to hell? No... but if you had faith and you believed God has the power to heal - then let him.

I grew up with NO vaccinations (GASP) and never went to the doctors office. Sick, ear problems, etc. I never went. Honestly I don't like the hospital... it rubs me weird (this could be because the only time I ever went in one was when someone was dying). Anyway, this leads me to my mother. My mother has the faith to move mountains. She would pray for me and it seemed like instantly I was cured of whatever ailed me.

So, that is how I grew up.

I was witness to this faith based healing and I saw it work. Not only on myself but on numerous people who at times were told they weren't going to make it. In the end, I have this faith. I feel God has the power to cure, to heal, to guide without any other help. Just simply prayer, faith, and patience.

Now on to current time. I am pregnant. I married a man who was not raised the way I was. I decided to make sure we both got a little of what we wanted I would look into a midwife based at a hospital. Luckily the one we chose has been great. Never a pressure on taking medication or anything. Until I took the glucose screening and 3 hour test.

Then it was a flurry of - hurry, we need to see you asap and get you taken care of. Then over a week passes and I hear from the clinic saying they scheduled me to see the dietician. Cool... let's get a good diet plan set up. Mine seems to suck.

Then this is what I hear - "Your appointment is scheduled for October."

WHAT? By that point my little girl will be born and almost 2 months old. I thought gestational diabetes was to be treated during pregnancy. The nurses response - I thought it was odd too, maybe it isn't that important based on your levels.

Seriously? I wanted to crawl through the phone and hit her. Why have they panicked me to the point I feel sick and feel as though my baby will die if I don't get this taken care of?

Anyways, I hung up the phone a little upset, but at the same time relieved. I had received a prophecy saying that if I would lean on my faith my baby and I would be delivered safely. I felt like this was a "sign" that pointed me to follow that faith based healing and to rely on him to guide this pregnancy.

So - I posted to FB about how odd it was for them to schedule the date for Oct. and that I was in turn going to follow God from here on out.

DEBATE started. This is my response. This is where I - THE MOMMA OF BABY JACOBSON - is coming from.

I do not feel that in not going to this dietitian (in Oct) will hurt my baby or myself in anyway. I feel that if I monitor how I feel, what I eat, and my exercise...along with prayer, my daughter will come into this world healthy and alive.

I do not feel I am putting my life or hers in danger by following through on something I am 100% an example of. I do not feel as though by not taking medication I am hurting my chances of a healthy baby. I do not feel as though by stating I am going to take the "prayer" method I am a bad parent.

In turn, I feel as though I am being an example of what God wants of me. I am putting my baby in the hands of the most powerful. I am turning to him to guide me. It is up to my husband and I to choose which path we go.

Will we still go to our appointments at the clinic? Yes... Will I take medications? No. Will this baby come at home? That is 100% up to God and his plans.

I do hope those reading this can understand what faith can do, what prayer can do, and what it means to someone who is trusting in the almighty to deliver them.

Feel free to comment. To give your opinion. I am strong enough to take all sides and openly digest them. But, I will not allow anyone but God to change my heart.  

Many prayers to all, many blessings to all.

Faith to Move Mountains

It seems I have been slacking a wee bit. But things in Sabrina's World have been very hectic (in a good way).

I have two subjects I keep throwing around and I can't decide which is supposed to be discussed. I tend to lean more towards the subject of faith. So, that is what I shall talk about.

Yesterday my grandmother posted a story of her faith while delivering my Uncle. It was a hard delivery and she ended up having a stroke. She did not tell her mom about but later was told had it not been for her mother praying for her she would not have made it.

"Victor was born October 14th,1964, long hard ordeal, I had asked Jackie's mother to be there, she told me no, that she had had a dream she was with someone that had a very hard time, the girl ended up on the floor, to finish the job, well she came because I think someone went and got her, any way when she got there, guess what? her dream was true, there we all were on the floor, and working very hard to get the boy into the world, when he finally came home there was much laughing, crying and rejoicing, he was a whopping 71/2 pounds, we had decided we wouldn't tell my mother I'd had a stroke,well we went to Colo. for vacation and I received prophecy that said ,through the prayers of my mother, my life had been spared, and for me to search the scripture, and that they are they that testify of me, well to this day when I feel to tell of this miracle, I'm afraid not to, lest something worse would come my way. mom was told through prophecy to be sure and pray for that one who was on her mind, that though her prayers my life would be spared, well, our guy was fine and fit, healthy as could be, one day I was giving him his bath, on the kitchen table, well like the very clever person I am, I left the sugar bowl open on the table, need I reveal the out come of this little venture? You guessed it ,straight up in the air, and as surely has it had been aimed, square into the sugar bowl, we had quite a chuckle over this, The first of many such experiences."

Later my mother commented and said,

"Why did I not inherit this faith, this ability to see the future, to accept it, and to be able to praise God for it? I love your stories mom. I read them and realize how lucky I was to have parents with God guiding their lives."

 

Reading both of these things made my mind churn. Both of these women have been the biggest influences in my journey of faith. Yet, here was my mother asking why she had not inherited the faith of her mother.

 

 

My mother has the faith to move mountains, she has a faith that would make your whole world turn upside down. She has so many stories (some involving me) that make your heart melt and tears stream down your face. But she is allowing the adversary to make her question her faith.

 

Let me tell you a story of my mother's faith:

 

When I was young (I think 8) we were working on my parent's house and there were a ton of buckets open around the house. I was simply walking and hit one of the lids (it was metal) and cut my leg. Badly cut my leg. I was okay until my brother said, "why are you bleeding?", and then I about pass out. Next thing I know I am in a wheel barrow being rushed into my mom's car. She makes me lift my leg onto the dash. And off we rush to the store for a bandage.

 

She pulls into a local gas station and runs inside. I open my eyes to see the blood and fat hanging from my leg. I simply go blank. I can't believe my leg looks as it does. She comes back to the car only to say they were closed. Back we go to the house.

 

She finds tissue, duct tape, and oil. She pushes my fat back into my leg, holds it, puts the tissue on top, then duct tapes it. All the while praying. She then anoints my leg and prays for God to heal my leg. As I witness this I can feel the spirit and know that God is hearing her pleas.

 

I am unsure how long I wore the duct tape... but the day it came off there was only a small scar (about a half inch) and when I run it swells a little. My miracle granted by my mother's prayers and God's grace.

 

I know in my heart had my mother not prayed for my leg it would have been a lot worse. That cut was deep, it was about 3" long, and my fat was literally hanging from it.

 

So, dear mother of mine. You have inherited that faith and in doing so you have instilled in me the faith to move mountains as well.

 

Readers - if ever you are in doubt think back on your life and those small miracles you have been a part of. The mustard seed is small and can do so much. These miracles and faith are both something we have to continue to remind ourselves of. Something we have to work on. God is waiting for us to remember these things and turn to him for everything.

 

I thank my mother and grandmother for always reminding me of the faith I feel in love with.

Life Moments

*I started this a month ago - I am not going to edit it... so read away readers!

Stop and look at your life. Where are you, what are you doing, and who is in your life. No one knows what will take place within a year yet, we always seem to say - "nothing has changed." I am going to break that rule.

My life within this past year has changed in so many ways. Everything, I would have to say, got better.

This weekend I spoke with a wonderful woman about faith, changes, and love. As we sat there I thought of how I married Tim, how we were both able to witness a beautiful birth, how we both have grown so much in the faith and in one another. Then I thought of my beautiful friends. The Hardt sisters, and little Owen.

Sometimes you don't realize how important people are to you until someone helps aid in that.

this woman was that aid. I knew how much I loved them and how no matter what we would be friends, but I didn't realize why.

My wedding drama is long enough to fill 50 blogs, but short story (which I wrote about here) is we moved the date and I was ticked. Months went by and I was told how if the date hadn't been moved I would not have experienced the birth of Owen.

I would not say that it was ironic. I would say it was God taking part in my life - yet again - and guiding me to where he wanted me to be.

As I talked with this woman about that story she said that God is amazing and it was his plan we just have to be patient. I then let my mind wonder. She began to ask about my pregnancy and what the plan was there.

I told her no matter what I want a home birth, but I am willing to do the midwife thing at the hospital if it made my husband more at ease. AS I spoke those words my heart skipped a beat. I truly want to have this baby at home. I told her that I have warned my husband that if God wants this baby to come at home it will arrive at home. Luckily my husband is amazing and when I told him that he said, "I know."

As the words flow from our mouths, if you take a second, you can hear what the heart says and feels. I prayed in that instant that God would allow the path he wants me on during this pregnancy would be his desire and not my own.

Sunday came around and I received two prayers about my pregnancy and my friendship with the Hardt sisters. I was in tears for those simple thoughts I had earlier that weekend. Then I received a prophecy and the number one thing that stood out was that God would have those come to me in my time of need, that I should not worry about it. (all paraphrased) But how awesome is it that God heard my heart and answered. He will send those to me when they are needed and I am not going to question why. Those answers will come later. God is truly amazing.

Humble

It seems this word is being mentioned a lot from many around the world and close to home.

There have been numerous tornadoes, flooding, and damaging winds here in Oklahoma many are convinced they would never live here. Yet, when I look at it I see those helping complete strangers and my heart is softened and my faith grows.

Oklahoma is amazing. Each community is a family and the state always comes together as one. It is full of smiles, open hearts, and helping hands. I feel truly blessed to call this place my home.

Now the word humble. All those who lost or were effected seem to all openly share the word. Those even on the outside looking in share it.

People are humbled by the help they see and receive. It is hard to be completely upset with these past weeks when you see the good pour out of people.

We will rebuild, we will be stronger, we are Oklahoma.

So yes, I know what living here entails and I know that never would I trade it. Tornadoes, drought, winds, earthquakes, and excessive heat make this place my home.

May 20th

You know that moment where you know your life is about to change completely? May 20th was that moment.

I sat at work when the storms came in and heard a clap of thunder and immediately thought that sounds bad. I called Tim (he was on his motorcycle because he had a bike class to teach) and told him he needed to head home before the storms hit. Within 2 hours everything was changed.

Cell service was down, an F5 had just ran through my home, and I had yet to hear from my husband. Every fear as a wife hit. Then I thought of my sister and her 3 kids and panicked.

I left work early and couldn't reach anyone to let them know my status or find out the status of anyone I love. As I drove through the devastation I was sickened. What once was the peaceful, beautiful town I called Moore was now a field full of debris. It was hard to remain calm, not knowing how my own home was.

5 hours I sat in my car, surrounded by the damage. For 5 hours I was completely selfish.

My body hurt, I was hungry, and I had to pee. Instead of looking at the damage and thinking Dear God watch them, I became bitter and selfish because I had no idea what I had or didnt' have. For that I was changed again.

I heard a news story while I waited and I cried. God was not the cause of the damage but he would be our saviour through it. I prayed for those who lost, I prayed for those who died, I prayed for those who had the same heart I had just had.

When I got home I laid in my bed, under a roof, with all my loved ones and thought. Thank you God for protecting us, but please wrap your arms around all those without a bed or roof.

Losing something is hard. Losing your home is hard. Losing what you thought was safe is hard. I can't begin to describe the sadness I feel for the citizens of Moore, Shawnee, Carney, etc. Rebuilding will take a long time, but I have seen the goodness in the people surrounding those communities.

I have seen the hearts of men turned. There is so much love and support that this rebuild can only make us stronger. We are Oklahomans, we are Moore. We will make it through and throughout it all we will come out the other end stronger, bigger, and closer.

I pray God continues to protect, hold, and bless his people. I pray those families that lost their loved ones know the world is praying for comfort, that they are in the thoughts of everyone.

The stories we will have for our children, and the stories our children will have in years to come will be what defines us. It will be what makes us look up and say, "Yes, I am an Oklahoman. I love our state, our people, our community, our family."

Happy Birthday

A year ago today I was blessed to be at the home of a dear friends and be able to assist in the delivery of her baby.

This guy......

I was also blessed with being at his first birthday party. As I was there I looked around at all the people I have come to call family. I was overcome with happiness for those I had grown to know and love.

Owen will grow up in a community where he will be looked out for and loved always. There is no doubt in my mind that God is and always will work with him.

Happy birthday little man!!!!!

Changes

A lot changes as we grow and mature. Some things seem to happen over night, while others seem to take years.

A co-worker and I were discussing mother/daughter relationships. Her daughters little girl has been on a constant, "I hate you." battle with the momma. We started to talk about how daughters seem to go through those phases.

It made me so sad. What if this baby is a girl and I have to endure what I put my mother through? I want so badly to change the past and the way I treated my mother, but I know I can not. I am sure my mother could share the stories of the awful that was our relationship as I was a teen. Luckily we have come to a point in life where she is my best friend.

My co-worker shared a story of how she found a photo of herself that had the face poked out. I wanted to cringe. I had done something similar to a photo of my mom and I my senior year.

So, what is it that flips the switch? What makes us women go from mommas little girl, evil daughter, to best friends? Granted, not everyone does this... but for the ones that do I have to say how thankful I am to have my mother as a best friend even though I was not nice.

Seeing how Mother's Day is Sunday - let's take the time to tell our mothers how thankful we are for them, how much they mean to us, and how blessed we are to be their child.

Momma, you and I talked about it already - but I love you to the moon and you are truly my hero! I love you and happy early mothers day!

Slide Show of Life

I have a slide show on my computer at work. It is full of wonderful memories with family, friends, co-workers, and some strangers. The amazing thing is all of these memories are unique and special. All of those in this slide show are there because they mean something to me.

Why have I brought this slide show up?

Because, when we look back on our lives there are moments that had they not been caught on camera they may have been forgotten. These photos are a reminder that every moment is precious. Every smile is priceless, and every memory is important.

In the slide show is a photo of a friend of mine... we hadn't really spoken for a while, I saw her in church, and then I received news that she had passed away.

I had a dream last night about Karla. In my dream, she was alive and we were taking her mothers car to this place but we stopped at a gas station instead. Once we got inside she was so friendly with the male clerk I was smiling. She didn't know a stranger. Later, we ended up in the middle of no where and she began to tell me stories.

She was telling me to always do what is right, to take the time to tell those who I love that I love them. She was sharing with me how delicate life is and how we forget how quickly it passes. She then was swallowed by the Earth and I was left standing in an empty, lonely place.

This dream made me so sad that Karla is no longer here, but it made me realize how she did exactly what she was telling me to do. Karla was an example of the true spirit of Christ. Although she was sick she made a point to visit, to smile, to share. How blessed are we to know people like this. Yet, how foolish are we to not take note and carry this on into our lives.

I wish I would have stayed in closer touch with her and to tell her how special she was to me. I want to tell her thank you for visiting me last night. It made me happy to know she was still there in spirit. I learned a lot last night in just a few short moments.

So - those of you in my life, in the slide show, and that will be a part of one or both one day; know how deeply I care for each of you. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize how I failed. I want to follow her example and be the light she was to so many.

I thank God for sending me that dream and opening my eyes to the wonderment that is life.

***Although time may separate us, although words may elude us, we are friends for a reason, a season, and a lifetime. God places those in our paths to help mold us. It is up to us to listen closely and be the change.

Be Still & Listen

God has shown me so much in the past week I can't fail to pass on the awesomeness that I have been blessed to witness.

I had a breakdown, in the shower, a while back. I plead with God to show me what I was doing was in his image, that I am following his word and that I haven't failed. There was a lot more to my prayer and pleading but that was the general idea.

I went to church Sunday and heard beautiful words of sharing your story with the brethren and the world. To be still and take note to what God places on your heart to do. To not keep to ourselves... to be a walking image of Christ, to let your children know of the wonders you have been a part of... so many great things.

I walked away feeling renewed and as though I should share my stories... but then Satan got to me and I felt no one would listen. And then I became discouraged.

That is until I received a text from a dear sister in the church who told me that my simple act of sharing a dream God had given me, and a prayer I had prayed allowed her to make it through a trial. She said she wanted me to know what it meant to her.

I lost it.

God heard my simple cry in the shower... and although I may have not got my answer immediately he gave her the strength to share with me. Which in turn made me realize that if we are faithful the goodness of Christ will be evident. It takes obedience to follow through, patience, and being still to hear.

So, I should share what God places on my heart. I should pass on those dreams I have, pray when I feel the need to pray, call someone when they come to my mind, and visit with those who are shown to me.

Later this week I fell on another trial and decided to share with the world "FB" about how I needed God to give me strength and that although we may suppress the emotions or hurt we still feel them. They don't go away just by pretending they don't exist. We have to leave those at God's feet and let him take over.

That simple post, although it may have seemed I wanted attention, was a cry for help and in turn allowed others to open up with their testimonies and share their stories.

A friend of mine sent me a message later sharing an intimate story and in doing so gave me a sense of calm about what I was working through. It was God's way of talking to me through one of his children. I hope she knows how much it meant to me that she took the time to share.

Granted I still am reminded of the hurt and heartache I feel but, because of these two ladies I am able to lay it back down and focus on the love that is around me daily. God truly is amazing. We just need to open our hearts and ears to know he is always working with us.

Thank you God for not giving up on me, when I so easily gave up on you.

Bright Side

With all the tragic events taking place around me I tend to wonder why?

There are so many people in this world who can and do good things, yet there are those who are so evil they bomb a marathon. How is this possible, why would someone do this? Where are the good people...

I don't know if I can put blame on the News for always broadcasting the negative, but I will put some of it there. I am a journalism major and majority of why I did not go into broadcasting was the negative I would have to report on all the time.

There is a Christian radio station here in OKC...you can listen live online.... KLOVE that at 7:45am every morning they report on a good and encouraging thing. I love that.

So, in the morning I get to be encouraged and uplifted. Even in the darkest hour there is light.

So, for today I choose to find good in every situation. My cold that doesn't seem to want to leave allowed me to feel two earthquakes this morning. Had I been well I wouldn't have felt them. See - bright side!

Growing Up

Growing up is hard to do. Things seem to change in what seems like the blink of an eye and in reality they are all changing constantly it just takes us to open our eyes to see it.

Being pregnant you start to see changes. People you hung out with, those you didn't, your conversation, your family outings, your music, your concerns, your food intake, and so much more. Granted I was never one who did a whole lot, but I at least got out more.

I pray that those who I may have forgotten, insulted, made upset, or just ignored as of late I am sorry. I don't want to lose those amazing friends I have because of my lack of memory. I want you to know how much you truly mean to me.

Like my last post I need to put forth more effort to those who mean the most to me. Some of my friends know we don't talk daily but I have forgotten to talk monthly and I am sorry. I want to know what is going on, I want to know what bothers you, makes you smile, etc.

I have heard - It is a two way street - I get that, but if I fail on my side what does that say of me? So, this is both an apology to those I have neglected and a promise to do better.

I will put forth the effort. It may come in just the simple form of a text, a card, a message, or a phone call, but it will be something to let you know I am thinking of you and love you.

If I fail let me know. If I forget let me know.... but please be patient with me and know I love you with all my heart and want nothing more than to remain friends until we are old and gray.

So - there ya have it ladies and gents a pregnant ladies promise to her friends! Friends - I love you and will be in touch!!!!!

Friends

I had a class last night about friendship within your relationship and I took it one step farther and put the information into my actual friendships.

I have some great friends. I know there are times we won't talk for about 2 weeks but once the talking starts it is as though we haven't missed a beat. I love that. I then went even further and went to those who are in my church and have, through the years, grown to be some of the best people in my life.

I look at how I am with all these people and noticed the one constant. Both them and myself make an effort. It isn't one sided. If there is something wrong we both acknowledge it and fix the issue.

If we are down and out we contact the other for support. I know it doesn't seem like much to get the random I am thinking of you text, message, or call... but it means the world to me.

So, in a nutshell thank you for being my friend.

Got Away

I heard a song on the radio while I was driving to work. It is about the one who got away. Once the song was over the DJ said he had to disagree with the singer because if those get aways stuck he would never have found his true love.

I started to think - am I the one who got away for anyone? I highly doubt that, but I think God was doing great things when he guided me to my husband. Sometimes he and I may not see eye to eye, but every day I am blessed.

He makes me smile every day. (including those bad days) He is always helping me, he cooks, he cleans, and he watches girlie movies. In all honesty he is my best friend.

I hope he knows that without him I am simply a woman. With him I am a loved woman.

Just take a moment and think of your spouse. Tell em you love them.
And here is the song.....

Smiles!!!

I know I post a lot about friends, family, animals, etc. There is a reason. Each one impacts me in a way that I feel could motivate or impact you as the reader.

Today my thoughts are on the closeness I have with those who are around me and my ability to smile even when sometimes I don't want to.

My coworker told me she was raised to not smile unless she has something to smile about. I said, Well isn't there always something to smile about?"... her response was, "no."

This took me by surprise. No matter where you are or what you are doing there is something you can think, read, or imagine that would bring a smile to your face. It also saddened me. To live life thinking you aren't allowed to smile unless something makes you... so sad. I prayed for her to find her smile.

So here...Smile -

Next, those close to me know how much they mean to me. I, at times, find myself smiling at the simple fact I have friends and at the memories we have had with one another. To have friends is a simple blessing we should all cherish. I pray they all know how much I love them and would be lost with out them....

So - 2 simple rules. 1. Smile 2. Tell your friends you love them.

Moments

I honestly have no idea what to blog about. I have so many emotions in me that I can't figure out which is most important.

This morning I woke thinking about those, "Thank you God!" moments. You know those when you least expect his help and wam there he is.

Wednesday night we went to roller skate with my mom for her Student Council fundraiser. I can tell you I did not want to go. I suck at skating and pretty much thought well I will spectate. Which I did.

Anyway, I am thankful I was there. My mother ended up falling (bad) and ended up going to the hospital to make sure she didn't crack any ribs. I know if I would have been at home I would not have seen it happen, been there for her, or to make sure she was okay.

*She is okay, only bruised up badly. She is to take it easy for a week.

Then, when I left the hospital I was trying to put my cruise control on and it wouldn't go. Therefore I started to slow down. By the time I got it to work I looked up and there was a coyote in the middle of the road. I am so thankful God had a hand in that. Had I got the cruise control to work I would have either hit the animal or I would have crashed trying to avoid it.

You see it is those small things. We have two options. 1. think it was mere coincidence 2. thank God for protecting us.

I know in my life there are many moments where I get frustrated at the slow drivers, I get upset my plans change, or I feel like someone is against me. Now I know those are the moments when I am being protected by the slow drivers, I needed to be somewhere else, and those altercations are there to help guide me in the right direction.

God is so good to us if only we could see each event, moment, and thought is arranged by him for a reason.

Missing

I feel like something is missing and all I can think of is the prophecy I received in Tahoka. I feel like I am falling behind somehow. There are so many things going on around me that I feel as though I have let go of the greatest gift. My faith.

Maybe it is time I make a trip to my second home?! Maybe it is time to do another post that just spits it all out and then I will feel that completeness I am lacking.

My mom and I were talking Sunday and it was as though I understood her a little more just by talking about her teaching job. She is so stressed it is causing her to become depressed. There seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. She tries so hard to get ahead and teach these children and it seems to fall on deaf ears.

It is so hard to work to your best ability and then be squished by others. It is hard at times to feel like you are running in circles and never getting ahead. My coworker was stuck like this. Finally we had a break through and she realized I can not read minds and all she had to ever do was ask for help. A week later she is able to have Friday off.

Maybe I need that sort of help. Just to ask for the help.

Random side note:

Brooke sent me a homemade card in the mail and it brought me to tears. Just the day before I had been feeling down on myself. You know, the do I have friends, do I have TRUE friends, do they love me the way I love them. Then hello. God sure does answer our deepest desires.

I am blessed to have the friends I have. Each one of them are implanted so deeply in my heart and without them and their love and support I would be a mess. Those random texts, phone calls, and messages all mean so much to me. I pray that I give them that sense of love I was given by Brooke.

They Don't Make em Like That

This song hit home today.

It took my mind to my grandma and how she told Tim, "Don't ever stop holding her hand." Later she informed me my grandpa used to take her hand all the time and it is those moments you miss more than anything. The small stuff as people like to call it.

The verse about "a love like that"; is something I strive for. A love for someone so pure that once they are gone you don't want to replace them. That is what my grandma feels for my grandpa. I feel this is something only few are special enough to feel and be a part of. I think my twin was able to get a glimpse of this as well. That pure, unadulterated love... the love you never want to forget.

I understand this emotion with my husband. I understand how truly blessed I am to have him. Sometimes I may not share with him how much he means to me. I even fail to share with others. Maybe it is because this is something I keep secret. I keep it close to my heart because I fear when I speak about it maybe it steals a bit of the pureness. It doesn't. If anything it adds to it. Maybe I should share with others. I think we should be able to share our love stories.

My mom and dad have this love as well. Granted there are times in their relationship they want to probably murder one another, but I know they could never replace one another. I know that without one another they would be lost. What a blessing to have someone you feel that for.

So - seeing as how it is Valentine's this Thursday. Share your love story. Cast away the feeling of someone may judge it, or compare it. Who cares. It is your love. Not theirs.

Perspectives

There are times when we let our emotions get the best of us. It is as though we lose all control of what we feel and we begin to just spew random words.

I fear this has come to pass with me. My emotions got me. They won.

Everything Sunday morning was what I call "picture perfect" then it all went down hill so fast. Yet, in a way it completely changed my thought on a lot of things I assumed were the way I saw them.

Point is, try to see things from all perspectives.

The Dreamer

I had a discussion yesterday at work about faith and love.

The conversation started because I had a dream about a friend and shared it with her. It is hard for me to share my dreams at times because I fear what the person will take from it. But, from my past few dreams and my willingness to share, I have come to realize I have these dreams for a reason. So, I told her. I told her about the dream and how it made me feel and how  much I love her. Later I come to find out it was something she really needed to hear. I was so overwhelmed with happiness. God had given me the dream and I was brave enough to step out and share it.

I then told my coworker and she said she had told her Sunday school kids about me. It took me a minute to process what she said. Me... why would you talk about me to a group of kids at Sunday school. She told me each and every person has a gift and it takes strength to step out on those gifts. She told them about how I am a dreamer. She said when I say, "I had a dream," she listens to me. It was so amazing to hear how my simple dreams are effecting more than just me and the subject I dream about. God is so amazing.

Later we got to talking about love and how we should do everything with love. I then told her how my grandmother, in church, one day leaned over and said, "I love you." and from that I looked around the church and was overcome with love for everyone in the building.

Found out she (my coworker) had just read the sermon for the Sunday service and it was about love. She said without love things are mute. There is a song about without love we are nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. We should do all things with love. This song is exactly what I am talking about.




So, when God gives me anything I will choose to do it with love, share it with love, and take it as love. It is an amazing world we live in. If we all were to follow through on those things we are handed how blessed would this world be. If, in times of darkness, we were to take the bad with a dose of love how happy we would be.

I know there are many bad things out there, but with each struggle and trial we are made stronger. We are able to testify later of the work of God. I see so many dark things it can bring a person down. Lately I am taking the bad, the beautiful, and the random as a sign of something God is trying to teach me. Maybe he is giving us all lessons to learn from. Patience, heartache, joy, pain, sorrow, etc. They all are varying degrees of what we must go through. It is how we react that truly shows the real us.

I know this is more of a ramble. I just feel so overcome...with what I don't know; maybe love, peace, sorrow, and the spirit...

Point is be the dreamer, be the reader, be the martyr.

22 Days of Change

I've been told I haven't posted in a while. I haven't. It has been 22 days since my last post. Seems a lot has happened since then.

I have given 2 testimony's in church, I have had to call for the elders, I have been tested, I have witnessed tiny miracles, I have witnessed sadness, and I have been in pain.

One of the most rewarding things about these past few weeks and by attending church is the love you feel when you arrive and leave, and how it stays with you through out the week.

My dad called me yesterday and told me I had a card from Sis. D. I told him to go ahead and open it and he read it. I am honestly beyond happy he was able to read that. I think it could spark something in him, something that he knows I see in the faith. Maybe by reading the letter he was able to see how close his people are.

These past few weeks have been constantly testing me. I find myself breaking down, begging God for help, and then praising his name for the things he has given me. If you look around there is a lot of darkness, there is a lot of sadness, but there is also a TON of light.

I am going to choose to see the light. I am going to pray for those who are surrounded by darkness and are seeking the light.

Today is a day we didn't have to be given, be thankful we have yet another chance to praise him.

Draft

*I just posted the The Ability to Follow Through and then I saw this draft. I have no idea how old it is. But how strange to think of what I just posted and this.

Draft:

Not sure if many of you  know - I come from a church where we have children at home, with a midwife, no drugs... you know the olden days of child birth.

Anyways, it has come to discussion if my hubby and I were to conceive what we would do. I am 100% positive I want to have my child at home. I am the product of a home pregnancy. Which sets me apart and I love to share the story (I will share that at another time.)

Yet, Tim is not from the same background. He does not understand the natural birth. He sees that once you get pregnant you are at the hospital.

The Ability of Following Through

My mother gave me a call this morning. She told me about a dream she had.

I was four years old and we were at the Evan's house cleaning before they got home. Then we were about to leave and noticed the mirror was dirty. Then it started to storm and my 4 yr old self told her, I didn't want to leave because it was scary. Then she said, "It's okay we will be safe." Then I told her, "No, this is a safe place."

Then she continued to tell me about her and being an example. My mom is sometimes fearful she has failed to raise me right in the faith. She has no idea the example she has been to me. It is her that makes me want to have my child at home, it is her who makes me want to go to church, it is her who makes me pray daily, it is her stories that make me want to be a better person.

I remember her telling me once that when she was 24 she decided to read the Bible all the way through. She sat outside and tears streamed down her face as she read it. I have always wanted to do this. I remember on my 25th birthday thinking I failed because I had yet to open it.

The thing that gets me the most is she said to stay strong in the faith. If I want to have my baby at home then follow through. She told me I was already stronger than her since I have been able to bring Tim to church. That since I was given dreams I am stronger. She told me to be the example. Be the strong one who follows the word. To not cave when the pressures come. Then she told me if I really wanted to be a midwife I would have to be strong.

She said my dad told her to have a glass of wine. She said when she would get sick before she used to get a glass and pray over it and then she would get better. She said she had forgotten about that. She didn't want to forget anymore.

Here is the kicker - This morning I prayed to God to allow me the answer to know what to do in this time. I want him to guide me in this process. I want him to be there every step of the way. I want him to be what leads Tim and I.

My mother is still very faithful. Although she may not know, she was given the dream by God and followed through on what he gave her. She shared that with me and I have my answer to my prayer I shared with God this morning.

God is so good.