Abortion/Adoption

Abortion - it is a topic of huge concern, especially when/if you come across sexual abuse and/or rape. There are always mixed emotions.

 

On Nov 6th my co-worker and I had a discussion on the subject. She is very religious and said it is wrong (with the exception of if the life of both is in jeopardy). I was so confused with how it is okay in that circumstance but in that of a rape victim it is wrong to have the option of abortion.

 

I was on the stance - if I got pregnant I would not have been able to live 9mths knowing the "thing" growing in me was a product of rape. I would want to know I have an option. Even if that option was abortion.

 

Today, 1 month later, I have to say my heart has turned. 

 

Mind you, I will not pass judgement on those who choose/chose to use abortion in a circumstance like rape, but I do finally understand her point. I understand how God puts you in a place - yes including rape - that will teach you something. I do not think God is the one who raped you:- in case that was the message you got with that statement. I mean there are things that happen to you that are AWFUL but there is ALWAYS something to come from it.

 

Who knows maybe the product of it is a child, but what if that child is meant for greater things. Try adoption... Can I say if I were to get pregnant in that circumstance I could do it. No. Would I like to say I would try; yes.

 

Point of the story is... If you have/had an abortion, adopted, put your child up for adoption, lose/lost a child in miscarriage, death, still born, etc. There is still faith. There is still light. It may be hard to see while going through these things but it is there. Be religious or not. I have to believe everyone can/will find the silver lining in some way.  

 

This comes from knowing many friends of mine who have lost a child. Sadly, this year, I can easily name at least five families who have lost a child in some way. Yet, the faith I see in those who have lost is amazing. For that reason I have to change my stance. Abortion is not the first answer. How could you remove a child knowing there are people like my friends who so desperately wanted one. Adoption is now what ranks first.

 

*Side note:

    Those of you reading, if you have had an abortion for any reason, I do not think you are a bad person. I do not think you are a sinner. I do not think you are a murderer.

I am saying: 

 I - Sabrina - do not want to run to abortion when/if I become pregnant from the product of rape.

I want to have the power to worm through to the end and head to adoption.

(if that is where my heart and mind lead me)

Also, I am still for the pro-choice. Each person has to decide for themselves what they choose is right for them, their family, and their child.

 

Below is what made me think twice... Amazing how God works.

*From a couple who recently lost their baby: We may feel shaken but not broken because we know Jesus is in complete control and we will stay faithful to his everlasting words.

Matthew 19:14

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”

Jeremiah 1:5

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.

2 Corinthians 12:9

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

 

 

 

Friends

 

 

I have so many who fall into that category ^. All from different periods of my life, but all equally as important as the other. They came for a season but stayed for a reason!

 

I love my friends!



FAILURE

I failed... I failed bad. I was planning to start my success to weight loss and got sick. Lost my voice for 4 days, coughing, headaches, sore... you name it I felt it.

So - since today I simply have the runny nose, I will start Insanity (New Me Special). I have already tracked my food diary here feel free to follow me. Tonight when I get home I will do the Fit Test (25 minutes of INSANE workout) and treadmill: personal trainer level 1 (30 minutes.)

There will be a photo, of all my glory, on the post tomorrow about how awful it was working out when all your body wants is sleep ;-)

I know my weight this morning was 134.6 the goal by January 20 is to be at 125.0. I think I can, I think I can.

*Mind you it isn't so much the number but the visual effect I am going for. The number is for those monitoring. IF I don't make it then you can gage me based on the before and after photo. I will only post a photo tomorrow and on each Fit Test Day: Dec. 10, Dec. 26, Jan. 7, Jan. 20th. Then on Jan 21st I will put both Day 1 & Day 63 on one post so you can comment your heart out.

Please motivate me... I will need it. Turkey day is Thursday and that is MY ALL TIME FAVORITE HOLIDAY - I get to eat ALL day!!!! Luckily my buddy JO made me sign up for a 5k Turkey Trot in Edmond so that will allow me to eat a 2nd helping of taters and gravy!

See y'all later!

If you could ask God anything....

I was asked this question on Saturday. "If you could ask God anything, what would you ask?"

I almost started to cry. I had always though it would be about Tim and I being parents, but when I was asked that. I immediately went with my sister. I would ask God why she is in so much pain, and why I can't take it from her.

We are not super close, yet we aren't completely separate either. Her pain is still my pain and I hate that she is dealing with so much. She has so many things going for her but with the pain she is in I know it has to be hard every day to simply walk. Her back pain is so completely heartbreaking. God I know you can hold her in your hands and I pray everyday you do so. Even if for a moment, ease her pain.

A lot of people are asking when Tim and I will have a baby... and honestly I am not 100% sure if I am ready to be Momma. I love Aunt Rina!

Yet, here are those people in the world who may not be able to have a child and I am healthy as a horse in that department. How unfair is that? So, God why?

I would love to take these pains from people and carry them as my own. I would love to say give them to me.

A friend of mine was telling me how she would love to be a seragate for women who can't have children because she had an easy pregnancy and delivery. The admiration I had for her was stunning. I wanted to hug her and congratulate her for being so selfless. Where I am honestly selfish.

But this is what choked me up.
I know God has a plan for everyone. We may see the dark of it now, but once it is finished there is a great light. It takes great faith to hold fast to this promise and it scares me to think I may not be able to. Or I may fall short.

I was told I have a lot to overcome before I am finished. I have no idea what it is but I hope I cope with it the way my sister has. She is so happy all the time, and when she is sad it doesn't seem to last for long (on the exterior). I am beyond proud of her faith, her resilience to the evil, and her power to believe in life. God my question is now, Will I be like that?



This song just happened to pop into my head - sounds about right with the emotions I have.

Warrior Dash Goal

Warrior Dash 2013 - May 18th

I have 6 months to get from weighing 134.6 to 125.0. My cousin and I made a bet that on the next Warrior Dash we are able to do so wearing only shorts and a sports bra. EEK!

I have to be honest I have let go of the awesome bod I was getting. I need to get back on track. My goal is to run 3-4 miles at least 4 times a week, until Jan 1st. Then for the next 5 months run and start Insanity back up.

I am the one on the right - Weight 146.8lbs

So, I want to get from that photo to something like this.

But being honest something close to this again would be awesome...

That was me at 130lbs Stomach 29"

 

 

 

 

 

Quitting and Redbirds

Do you ever realize how easy it is to quit? I don't mean like a job, but everything. You stop for a day and before you know it a month has went by.

Or, in my case years. While in Tahoka I was asked when the last time I sat in assembly was. I said 2009. I really thought it was then. Nope, 2004!

8 years. I let 8 years go by before I followed through. Lord thank you for not giving up on me. I was so far gone that it seemed useless to come back. Then I heard this song.

Redbird - by Warren Barfield.... wow. It was after Tahoka, but man did it hit me. He never really goes away. One part says, "Everybody that you thought was true, has flown away
 I’m gonna be your redbird." God is our redbird. He is always there even after everything we knew is gone.

Read the lyrics. - I think these are right... I could be wrong.

You don’t have to worry,
In Your time of trouble!
I’ll be at Your window there
Singing this song

And I will comfort You
With this love I have for You!
I will never leave You alone.

When Your sky trades warmer blues for colder gray
Everybody that you thought was true, has flown away
Ya I’m gonna be Your redbird

But everything keeps changing
Without any notice
It’s hard to know what is
And isn’t yours
In a weird world
You need a touch of normal
And need to know one thing is sure!

When Your sky trades warmer blues for colder grays
Everybody that you thought was true, has flown away
I’m gonna be your redbird.
 
Your redbird
Your redbird

When Your sky trades warmer blues to cold cold gray
Everybody that You thought was true, has flown away
Ya I’m gonna be, yes I’m gonna be Your redbird.
Your redbird - Redbird




Then there was this - sidenote:

I have failed in so many things that it is hard to admit. Yet, here lately I feel like I should just try again, try harder, and then maybe not fail.

This week we had a girls ice cream date to Dairy Queen. My mother, 2 sisters, and 2 nephews. I was able to ride with my sister and it was so nice. I had to thank God for allowing it to happen. I didn't fail on his part because I was guided to offer. It was awesome. She has so much going on on I know she needs a break. I hope that with my help that night she may get some rest.

The women in my family are complicated, stubborn, and beautiful.

Awestruck

You ever wake up and by the time you close your eyes you are in awe of the day?

That was my yesterday.

Sometimes you have no idea what is in store for you. That is when we should give everything the benefit of the doubt. Had I allowed my sickness keep me from church yesterday I wouldn't be thinking what I am today.

Yesterday was blessing after blessing. So many answered prayers, so many testimonies, prophecies, and prayers. It was one of the most beautiful services I have sat through. Over 15 prayers, testimonies, and prophecies took place.

The best part about it was my husband's reaction to what unfolded. He is a man of faith, he believes, he prays, and he reads. Yet, like he told me yesterday, he had never felt like God was talking directly to him like he did yesterday.

My husband felt the spirit and I was there to see it happen. God is so amazing, and to see his people follow through with his work is a blessing.

This weekend so many doubts of mine melted away. I know I have much to overcome, but I know if I can maintain this faith and read, pray, and do daily then I will be able to do so.

Thank you God for days like yesterday, for days like today, and for all the days you allow me to wake.

Sidenotes

A song, I have no idea the name of it, came on the radio on my way to work this morning. I have heard it numerous times. Yet, today it seemed to have new meaning.

We are given a chance to wash ourselves clean. We just have to be humble and confess those things and God will forgive. Some things you think, "I didn't do anything wrong." Guess what, most the time if you have to say that it is probably true.

This whole thing with my siblings has got to come to a close. Maybe this was God's way of saying you are a twin for a reason.

Sidenote
       * A girl called in requesting they play a song for her twins birthday. They said oh so it is your birthday too. The girl said, "Yeah I guess it is." She then shared how they NEVER spend their birthday apart. My twin and I - well we have pretty much done so since we turned 21. Call it a lack of same interests, friends, or simply too busy... either way we haven't spent it together.

I miss her. I  miss our conversations. I miss the occasional text to just see what is going on. I really truly miss being the twins we were.

Maybe God wants me to be humble and let go. I need to be honest and just have a conversation with her, just let God guide it. I pray he gives me the courage to do so. I pray I can let go of the you said, she said mentality I have. I pray I can let go of the jealous, the fear, the anger, and the loneliness I have.

Count Your Blessings

This Sunday was awesome.

I went to church and was immediately hit with the spirit. We did not sit in our usual location, instead we were on the opposite side of the church. As I sat I thought, the last time I sat on this side was during Cameron's funeral. I am not sure how to label that emotion. I had tears forming in my eyes... they sang "Count your blessings" after and I thought how blessed am I to be alive and have this life.

Following this another song was sang. It was about meeting on the shore and seeing those who had passed. As I listened and watched this brothern sing I was flushed with emotion. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, my heart was pumping, and I was praying God would tell me what he wanted me to do. Once the song completed I dropped to my knees in prayer.

How blessed are we that a day like that can happen? There were more prayers, testimonies, and preachings, and one prophecy. Every single act was tied to the previous and led to the following. IT was the spirit in motion. The sermons that went forth were exactly what I needed and what the others there needed.

Our goal in this life is what follows. Heaven or hell, we have to choose to be the person who will make it to Heaven. For once we pass, those acts of kindness will be nothing without a confession of sins from a humble heart. Why let those good things and spiritual guidance go to waste. We should want to make the right choices and live through him.
     * My cousin later told me about a dream she had, how she felt someone had ended their life too early. But, it was not the living life - but the spiritual life. That the person had given up too early.

    - This reminded me so much of myself and others I know. How we let the advisory in and give up. We guit fighting the good fight, and we instead choose what appears to be the easier route. Let me tell you; it is not easier. It is a lonely, dark path that will only lead you to darkness. Hold tight to the light you have!

After church I went to work with my cousin (which that in itself is a blessing) and we continued to talk about church and what we had heard. The spirit was still moving. It hasn't stopped either. I got an amazing compliment from my cousin that rekindled my love of giving, helping, and being. I hope she knows how important she is to me, how blessed I am to have a cousin like her, how truly thankful I am to spend each weekend with her, how strong she is, and how encouraging she is.

God put us here to give, help, and praise. I pray that I do not let this knowledge go. I pray everyday that I can speak of his mercies and his love. Without these things I know I am nothing. I will strive to be a better person, Christian, sister, cousin, wife, and child. Each day I will take on as though I am working for him, through him.

Weeklong Endeavours

It has been such a busy week I haven't had time to really think. I was tested this week on intelligence, faith, trust, and prayer.

I was blessed to work with my cousin this week at the Parade of Homes (if you do not know what this is - well you are missing out.) It has always been a "bucket list" item of mine to work it. I had a blast, I truly enjoyed it. I loved how my opinion was considered, how I was able to "impress" people with the knowledge I had on various subjects. It was a great mood lifter.

During the parade I got to learn a lot about my cousin. She is truly an inspiring woman. The things she has gone through and the faith she has - are amazing. I am blessed to be related to someone so strong.

This weekend I also got to attend church. The feeling of knowing you get to hear God's word is something I had forgot about. I am so thankful I am remembering! One of the best things from attending was getting to see my grandma. She is a huge blessing to me and we got to spend some time this week talking. It was exactly what I needed.

The trust and prayer - well let's just say sometimes people "fib" and in doing so it hurts your trust. Thankfully God gives us the power of prayer and we are able to move past it and see the great that is in the person.

        *Side note. I seriously wish, hope, pray that I can mend what is broken. I do not know how. I know what is "supposed" to fix it - but honestly, I know it won't. I know it will only hurt things and I pray God shows me what will fix it. What will mend this, what will give us back what we lost.

This week has been long. This week has been challenging. This week has been inspiring. This week has been faithful. This week has been a good week.

Enjoy the weekend everyone!

Santa Fe

 
Today is an odd day for me. I should be on cloud 9 because we are actually going to close on the old house. Yet, I feel a twinge of saddness. That house was our first home. So much hard work and love went into it.

Last night we were there until midnight working on it... brought back a lot of memories of when I first purchased it... every night we were there until 1am and then went to work/class and back again. That house was a blessing. I pray the new owners feel the same joy and happiness we have had.

 

 

Goodbye Santa Fe House.

 

 

Faith

I know I am not the perfect example of a christian or of a general person. However, I like to think I am trying hard to maintain the faith that God gave me.

My last post about victories got me thinking. A friend of mine from Texas posted about testifying of God's grace. Another one posted about my sister and the faith that shown through her face. (A lil lady at the grocery store had asked her if she knew Jesus because it showed through her.) Another friend posted about the blessing of a house for her and her husband, others too are constantly posting about the great things God has done for them.

This is my testimony.

2012 has been one of the most trying, stressful, awful years of my life. Yet, it has been sprinkled with some of the most amazing moments I have ever had.

Wedding. The beginning of the year was all stress because of Tim and I's wedding, no one liked the date, no one felt special, everyone had an opinion and ours didn't seem to matter, then Owen Hardt was born... It all made sense. God had a hand in the wedding. Had we kept the original date we never would have been in Texas during his birth and I would not have been there to help, witness, and testify of God's mercy.  Blessing 1.
 (This is not to be left out, during this I found my rock in my friendships. She is one lady who no matter what is so honestly concerned and there for me no matter what.)

Following the wedding we had an announcement that my sister K. was expecting. It was great news, but then with small issues it ended up leaving me jealous. Yet, God gave me the power to let go and see the true blessing it was that she will have a baby girl after a miscarriage earlier in the year. Blessing 2.

Drama. There were issues with past problems that led my sister M and I to not talking, having issues with family members, my turning to depression and therefore not being happy. I asked God to grant me peace and forgiveness for all those involved. God sent me to counseling where I met Marilyn. Blessing 3.

Houses. Tim and I decided we wanted to make our house into a home for future babies and we knew the current home was not the place to do it. With hours of prayer and mediation we felt it was time to move into a new house. Garcy came into the photo, she was able to find us a home where we are so loved by the community and those surrounding us... I couldn't ask for more. Blessing 4.

Church. With all the drama and houses I felt this huge urge to attend church but just didn't think I could. Then Bethany came into the picture and showed me the brotherly love I used to know so well. The day I finally stepped into church was the hardest. Yet, with more help from Jessica I was able to walk in and testify of his brethern's love for all, and the power of promises.  Blessing 5.
(I have not followed through on this 100% but I know God is patient and he knows I will)

Death. Because of my attending church I was able to see those I had missed so badly. Yet, someone was missing. About a week later I got news she had passed. It was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. She was a blessing to me in more ways than one. Blessing (can't give it a #)

Drama. I wanted family photos made which turned into an awful mess between some people I love dearly. To this day one is not talking to me, one I know is waiting for me to spill my emotions, others are waiting to see what unfolds. I am waiting for God to gather us together again so that we can let go and see the things each has to offer. This is a blessing, I think, to us involved because it is allowing us the chance to truly see one another, to dig within ourselves to find what we mean to one another, and to let one another grow as a single human. Blessing 7.

Health. God has given me the strength to be the person I know he wants me to be. With motivation (J) I have been able to do things I know I never would have been able to do. Along with the motivation, has come a relationship that seems to only grow with time. Although she is not my blood sister, she is my sister. She has always been a strength to me that I can not, nor want to, ever replace. Blessing 8.

Tattoos. I know some people hate the idea of ink, but because of the permanent words you can put on your body some are able to have a daily reminder of the growths they have gone through. I was able to go with a friend and well - it was so nice to be asked to join. The tattoo has a great meaning to her and to share this was simply a blessing. Blessing 9.

Overall this year has already brought me so much joy and pain, that I do not know what more lies in store for me. Yet, I know God sends us angles to help guide us. My angles are many, and I am so blessed and thankful for each one of them. I know as you read this there will be hints of, "why didn't she mention this, etc." Well, the reason is these are the biggest moments, there are sooo many more but then the post would be so long you wouldn't want to read. Believe me I remember the little as well.

Thankfully God has allowed my memory to grow with age, and has added more memories that are such blessings.

This is my testimony which I am sure will only continue to grow as the year progresses.

Small Victory

We are home owners (x2)... that is until we can close on the old house. I pray nothing else pops up along the way.

We walked through the old house once it was empty and I almost lost it. There are so many memories in that house, that will never be forgotten. It is a beautiful home and I thank God he allowed me the chance to own it. Our new home is amazing, the neighbors are amazing, and God is so amazing to grant us this blessing.

As I laid in bed last night I couldn't help but thank him for everything he has given, taken away, and has yet to provide. With each small step along the way I know God is there. Even when times are bad and it seems as though there is no light to be seen, he sends a glimmer.

This weekend was that glimmer. I was able to attend a family outing without the thought of, "what will this do." I am always so worried that I may step on a toe, upset someone, or I may take something the wrong way. I was able to walk away knowing I followed God and allowed him to lead me in conversation.

It is hard knowing there isn't a lot of closeness between me and my family. I used to think we were so close, that we all were constantly together, but as I look back on photos, there wasn't as much as I had imagined.

So, I thank God for the moments he provides. Those moments when you take joy in being with family, seeing those you haven't in some time. Although, one sister was not there, she was on my mind. I do miss her. Although, I was able to discuss her and what is going on without thinking I shouldn't.

I am beyond proud of her for going to school, I am so proud of my brother for the man he has become, I am proud of my other sister for growing as a mother and wife. I am proud of my brother-in-law for, although being scared, has taken the bull by the horns. I am proud of my mother for seeing the good in life and sharing it with others. I am proud of my dad for being a man of great virtue. I am extremely proud of my husband for always being there with the right words, and helping hand.

My family it amazing. Complicated, but amazing. It's the small things that make the small victories.

Twins

This weekend we went to Krispy Kreme and while there saw two twin girls at the age of 4. When I asked the mom if they were twins she lit up and said yes. I told her I was a twin as well. She lit up even more and started to ask about what it was like to be a twin.





 
One of the questions that struck me was, "Are you still close?" I wasn't sure what to answer. I simply said we are opposites, some times we can be close but other times we aren't. I said they will always be friends though.

It is hard to think that although I am a twin we are not inseparable. There is a movie about twins that made me cry when I saw it.  It is a comedy but it made me think... I was so much like Jack and she is so much like Jill. Yet, instead of seeing the great things in one another it seems like we always compare.

I do pray that one day we can be close. I am not sure when that may be, but I am willing to wait it out until we both are able to see what one another is capable of and not compare. This is not to be sappy or anything. I just simply want to state that I am a twin, twins with a beautiful girl.... I only wish she saw what I see.






* Seems the post was premature. Things are not getting better. With a deletion from FB I know she does not want to change anything in the relationship. Therefore I will let go.

Here it is - in all the glory I could muster!

I went back and read my old blog posts. Wow... some of the things are so raw and open. Others just a small glimpses. Overall, I have seriously changed in so many ways.

A change was something I had/need to do. I need/ed to change my outlook and how I took/take things in. I was good at it. Things even seemed to get better. Then - BAM.

I don't want to stir things up... but it was suggested to me that I let it out instead of hold it in and explode.

This is about what is in me... that makes me want to slap every person that can't just be happy for another person, to slap those that only see it for themselves, for those people who only think of how it affects them, to those who think their statements aren't being heard, etc.

I am laying it all out there. The things that I don't think anyway has any right to now, but for some reason I feel if I lay it out there then maybe, just maybe, everyone will understand me.
(Honestly doubt that will ever happen but I should try).



from my counselor

1. I finished my last counseling session last week. My counselor told me she was so proud of the changes I had made, how when I first walked in it was head down, and so unwilling. The final day I was able to say I can do it. A week has passed. Guess what, I am right back to being unwilling.  Counseling is amazing. Without my counselor I wouldn't have the courage to just say F it... here it is. Without her I would be so afraid of my own shadow. Yes - I went to counseling and NO I am not ashamed of it.








2. My family is the MOST important thing in my life. Tim comes first... then it is my parents, siblings, and extended family. I got married and in turn I followed the word of God and put God first, then my husband, then myself... and following that my family. I did/do not disown my blood immediate family. They were there first and will always be there. Though we don't all see eye to eye they are important to me and without them I wouldn't be who I am.

3. My selling/buying a new home is not to showboat or rub it into others faces. It is something that will help my family grow, to be stable, safe, and at home. Yes, we will make money from selling our old home. No we aren't making as much as we thought because of repair work for the house. It needs 12 piers. That is EXPENSIVE. We can't even afford to pay for it until we close on the house.... which means yes, we may be "rich" for a week, we will be right back where we are now in 2.

4. As for how much money we have. Let's just say.... we make due. There are occasions where we choose to spoil ourselves. Rarely but there are some. As for going to concerts, repair work, car parts, clothes, etc. Majority of those things happen because of financially planning and gift cards. ;) I am totally a couponer!

5. I am a christian that fails. I know I am not perfect - nor do I wish to portray that. I am simply working on becoming a better christian, that follows the rules, and abides by Gods word.

6. Tim and I are "not preventing" having a baby. We want to have our family grow, but we aren't planning it. We are allowing God to plant the seed when deemed fit.

7. Had you let me meet you for lunch a while back you would have been greatly surprised. Had you not told me I am such an awful person for not apologizing for something I said, had you not assumed you know my financial status, and what happens in my home... you would have been pleased. However, I know no matter my next move it wont change the situation. We haven't been close for years, we aren't the normal relationship, we aren't the butter to my toast type... I am sorry. I am sorry we don't see eye to eye. I am sorry if my life leads you to believe something that is not 100% accurate. I am sorry you feel we won't ever be close. I would love us to be. I just don't know what to do to make this situation go away. I know giving you what you think is causing it won't fix it. I am sorry.

8. My friends are my support system, the encourage me to do the right thing, they encourage me when I am down, they are always there through thick and thin. No matter if we have a small fight or HUGE one, the next day we are okay. They love me for me. I love them for being so honest with me. They don't hold back and are great examples. Thank you guys!

9. I am working out because it makes me feel better. Not to look skinny, not to hide anything, or to pretend I am something I am not. I simply do it because I have more strength and endurance. I love running the obstacle 5k's because when I finish I truly feel like I am on top of the world. It is a high I can't explain.

10. I do sometimes feel like a failure when it comes to my career. I am not the journalist I thought I would be, I don't have my website up and running, and it scares me to think this is it.  I see all these people advancing and going for Masters, etc. Yet, here I sit.... I wish I could change this and not feel guilty about it.

11. I am jealous. I am so extremely jealous of so many things it's stupid. Most are simply because I feel sorry for myself, and others are just pure raging jealousy. I need to get over it. All these people having babies and it seems when Tim and I were trying we couldn't. It upset me. I am now accepting to wait on God, but geesh it was hard. I am jealous of the weddings that my friends have. So beautiful and mine was eeeeeeee..... All in all, I suck because I get jealous so easy.

12. I am having an affair with my diets foe. Ice cream and chocolate. I can't help it. That's all.


Thank you for listening/reading. I know that some of this may strike nerves, or it might make you smile, or  get angry, or just simply go Oh, I get it... all in all. My way out of depression was writing it all out to step back, read it, and change it. So here is my new 2012 version of that.

This is a post meant for just me. IF you happen upon it, read with the knowledge of that. No actual names were mentioned. If you feel it is aimed towards you... well.... it could be ;) said with a smile. I want to change this path I am on. I want to become the person I was, but better. I want to be able to die with the sense of accomplishment and peace I know is possible.

So with many blessings to those reading, and with a prayer that this will be the changing moment in my life, I depart.

Challenge Update

I promised updates....

I am currently on the rest week for Insanity. My weigh in is 132.8. Overall I have lost 3.6 pounds since Aug 12.

Here are some photos

 

Insanity Chart - prior to this post!



This would be the meal plan I came up with!! Includes Cheat Days!

Family and Judgement

I haven't posted in some time. I am not sure if it is due to my lack of excitement or just nothing has really set me to writing.

Today...well I have two rants.
1. Family includes everyone... if you like 'em or not, blood or by marriage.
2. Don't judge me.

My first rant is about family. I was told that family isn't about husbands/wife's and children. This was in relation to family photos. Guess what... without the husband/wife combo there wouldn't be you. So, yep all are family.
It almost made me want to cry. I would never think that Tim was not part of the family. I would not say my brother in law was not part of the family... or my nephews. They are all part of the family and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I understand that being the single one is hard, I understand that sometimes it isn't fun to constantely be reminded of the loneliness. However, I do not understand why you choose to claim family is simply the blood relation and that is it. That blows my mind. It's like saying - I am sorry but since you did not come from my mom and dad you are not my family. Dude, wonder how your husband/wife will feel when you get married. They will never feel as though they are actual family. I don't get it.

Second, it upsets me when people like to throw the doctor card my way. FYI, I don't go. Yes, I used to be on birth control --- guess what there is a post about that here. Yes, I had Lasik - guess what I am not the only one in my church who wears glasses/contacts... (that takes an eye doctor to get those). Yes, I go to the dentist and had braces... sue me.
But, do not tell me that by simply asking a question if someone needs to file an injury report makes me less of a "Christian" than the person I am asking. I do not go to the doctor if I am sick, hurt, etc. I do use my faith in those instances. I know I am not perfect. No one is. I just hate when I get judged.... It hurts.

It makes me think of all those who are judged publicly for what they believe, I am sorry. I have no right to cast my judgement, I have no right to persecute you for something you believe in. If I did so I think I would fail as a Christian. I am allowed to voice my beliefs, and say, "I think that is wrong." I, however, have no right to tell you that you are bound to hell.

Sorry for the rant this morning. I had a fire set under my butt.

6 Week Challenge (Aug 17- Nov 2)

Due to the fact I have fallen off the wagon for about 1.5 weeks, it is time to jump back on.

I am creating a 6 week challenge for myself.

Starting Sept 17  (Monday) and ending Nov 2 (Friday) I intend to lose 6 lbs, which will bring me a weight of 128.

I will finish out my Insanity - this will be complete the week Oct 15th. Upon completion I will then turn to another workout regime (to be determined)

I PROMISE:
1. not to eat out for lunch for 6 weeks
2. drink water or unsweet tea only
3. Only 1 coffee a day.
4. Not eat sweets (once a week if good behavior)
5. Eat healthy foods when I eat
6. To keep a diary of the foods I do eat, along with the workout for the day

There will be constant photo updates, and progress reports.

Help keep me motivated.

The Story

It seems people sometimes don't know, or just don't care, that others can hear them. Point of the post - watch what you say simply around the corner of someone.

Those things can hurt, aimed or not, words hurt. They have the tendency to make others emotions tense, heighten, or just change. When someone decides to give information to someone else it is done so with the acknowledgement that the other won't turn it into something else.

I however have learned that people will say what they want and not care what it does to that person, nor consider what they are suggesting could do to someone else.

What happened was a simple conversation, that now can be said, "Sabrina got wasted and threw up on her purse." When in reality it was exactly what I said. We went out and my friend got sick and she threw up in my car and on my wallet. Simple. End of discussion. Not, sure there is probably more to the story. Nope. That's it. I didn't fluff, bluff, or anything for that matter. So hows about you stay out my business.

For that comment I will now choose to not speak unless I know I can truly trust that person. Which by the looks of it, are not my co-workers.

Friendships

Today I feel like shouting out to my friends. There are a few which fall away for a while, there are some that are a constant 24/7, and some I only talk with on random occassions. ALL are so vital and important to me.

IT seems this year I have come to find the true friends, the honest friends, the friends who will FOREVER be there, and the ones who were there for a moment and changed my life because of it.

God has the tendency to bring people into our life who will guide and make us grow. Each and every person that walks into our life is for a purpose. It truly surprises me at times when God sends them and which ones he uses to influence me.

Friends, you know who you are, thank you for being there for me. I hope/pray I am there for you like you are for me!

A few photos of some great peeps!

*this is what I had on my computer - there are many of you that make this list over and over - just lack the photos ;-)

RIP dear soul

A near and dear woman has been taken to the kingdom. She meant so much to me, this insert was from her back in Jan. which gave me the courage. Her teachings allowed her daughter to show me the same kindness.

RIP Vicki.


Hey pretty girl...you may not remember this, but I was looking back at some stuff on my wall and ran across a comment you sent to me on Nov. 4th, which I failed to see until now. On Nov. 3rd, you told me "Happy Birthday" and in my response, I told you I missed seeing you. You responded back and said you missed everyone and needed to find the strength to come back, but were afraid. I'm sorry I didn't see that until now...I would have never let that go without responding back to you. Sometimes when we have been away for a while...it makes it so hard to come back, but everyone would be so happy to see you...I hope you know how much you are loved. I will be praying you can find that strength to make your way back home. Love you and like I said before, I miss you!

Something I wrote....

Trials are not enemies of faith but are opportunities to prove God's faithfulness.

Although one has passes; her trials are no more.
Although one has mourned; another shall be born.
The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away; we will forever remember today.
God grants us this life to prove our holiness; the angels are rising up; he is calling us home.

Keep the family in your prayers if you think of them.

Mis-understood Anger

I have two amazing women who have influenced me in so many ways, yet, it seems those confident, aspiring women are so completely lost.

I have had the opportunity to talk with both and find the similarities in the conversations overwhelming. Both are currently employed, mothers, and grandmothers. Both completely unsure.

The surprising thing is what they become upset about. Things, I know, years ago would have been blimps on the radar. So, how do I handle the situation when their "anger" turns to me for some understanding.

Simple. I state the way it was probably meant and then go pray. Sometimes, as women, we have the tendency to see only the negative and not think about what someone else may actually mean. I too am guilty of this. We hear a small thing, witness an act, or simply read something the wrong way. Then we have this anger that is both, misunderstood and misguided.

The point behind this blog is to sometimes step back and think of it in terms of the one you are upset at. Try to see it from anothers point of view. Sometimes it is simply a misunderstanding.

I pray and hope these two women see the positive in their lives and how amazing they are to not only me, but others as well.

Courage to Stand

As a Christian it is at times hard to be the best you can be. This weekend I found myself struggling with my faith, my courage, and my strength.

Everything can be so easy until you hit the real world and then it becomes hard. I intend on standing firm to the words I was blessed to hear this weekend, to remember the feeling I had, and to remember there are many more just like me struggling to keep the "pep."

Wednesday night, as you know, I went to church. That night I told my cousin I would attend Sunday meeting with her. I also made a promise to myself and God that I would make a point to attend church more.

Sunday morning... well I was backing out on my promise. I decided no one would know anyway, my cousin would be fine, and I would be okay. Wrong! I got a message from her asking, "Church?" I simply ignored it. Then I received a message from a friend in Texas, "Good morning, you going to church?" Wow, talk about God using his people to move me. I felt this huge guilt that I was not only breaking a promise to myself, but to God and my cousin. How could I.... I got ready and headed to church.

As I pulled in I began to panic. It has been well over 2 years since I sat for a meeting at this particular church. I didn't want to go in. I finally decided okay... I walked in, couldn't see my cousin sat down, and there she was - I moved to sit beside her. From that moment I felt the spirit moving in that building. The sermon, the prayers, the testimonies, the songs... all were leading me to my feet. I thank God he gave me the courage to come, I thank God for sending his children to me, I thank God for allowing me to sit through a meeting that will forever remain in my heart. It was truly a blessing. I am glad Satan lost.

All it Takes is That First Step

A few nights ago I got a text from an old church friend. In all honesty, I was shocked. I seriously had thought that returning to church would never happen because I felt no one even cared. That text almost had me crying had I not been in a car with others.

Needless to say last night I took that step. When Tim and I pulled up to the church I almost panicked. It felt as though my heart would leap from my chest. What would it be like walking into church not for a wedding but to honestly hear the word. EEK! was all I could come up with.

Once through the doors it wasn't so bad, then walking through to a seat - wow! It was a rush of emotions, it was as though I had never left. Tommy - another old friend - saw me walk in and I believe he did a double take. Others smiled and a lot nodded. I felt like coming home from a long, long journey. The up-side: Tim was right beside me.

Church was great, but honestly the discussion after was amazing. So many people came to say hello and meet Tim. I was so overwhelmed with happiness. Tim was welcomed with opened arms and it made me so happy.

Thank you God for that first text, the courage to follow through, and the things I heard that night. Promises were kept!

Been a Minute

It seems like I have slacked from the Blogging world. It's all for a good reason.

We are selling our home to look for something bigger and much more family friendly :)

This has to be one of the hardest decisions I have made. The home we are in was one full of hard, hard work and dedication. It is simply our home with our style and our love. It is and will be so hard to say goodbye. Yet, I can not wait for our new life together.

The biggest decision behind the new home is because I was the one who bought the first and I think in a marriage it is hard for the male to accept the woman to have been the breadwinner and bought a house. It hurts when we talk about it and it's always "her house" and not ours.

I have some people who like to think in doing this it will "screw me over" because "if" we don't work I am out of a home... I like to think of it as a way to strengthen our marriage and to make it work. IT isn't about who has what, who makes more, etc. It is about sharing and making a life to together; knowing it will last.

I love my husband and I can't wait to embark on this new adventure in our relationship - TOGETHER.

Dedication and Support

As many know I have been trying to get fit. Not really lose weight but to trim what I have and make it healthy. It is hard and sometimes it seems better to just give in.

However, I have a cousin who has been my motivation and my support. Constantly we remind one another of the dedication it takes, the hardships, and the feeling of success. She and I did the Warrior Dash this year and after we decided next years will be ran with a sports bra and shorts... no cover! Because of this we are even more driven to succeed.

God gives you people in your life to help you with all things you are struggling with. She is my best friend, she is my sister, and she is my cousin! Without her there are so many things I would still be struggling with. Yet, with dedication and her support I have overcome so many things.

I thank God for her daily.

<------ Reminder of Warrior Dash

Faith

These past few weeks I continue to focus on the word faith. I know faith has the power to move mountains and I know the healing it can do. I think on the times when our faith is tested and how we react. There are many times when I fail to allow my faith the chance to shine - then there are others that my faith is the only thing working.

I have two friends who have been on my mind every night. One - trying to have a child. The other - a month + behind her due date. I continue to think of their faith in these situations. I continue to pray their faith does not diminish because of these events. God has a time and a reason for everything.

If caught in either situation, I pray I would have the faith to keep God close at hand. I pray those around me would continue to be reminded of the faith and the power God has. After the events that I have been able to attend I know God has the greatest power of all. A miracle of birth is one of the greatest things. To have the faith to wait patiently for his plan is something not many can have. I know my dear friends are two of the strongest women for not allowing the evil to set in their hearts.

You ladies are an inspiration to my faith and many others witnessing your life. I pray God continues in your journey and continues to give you the strength, peace, and happiness you both so deserve.

God bless.

It happened for a reason

Two months ago a beautiful baby boy, Owen Wayne, was born and I was in the room holding his mothers hand. Two months ago I was supposed to be walking down the isle to my husband. 7 months ago my plans changed.

Tim and I decided many years ago we would get married on May 17th. When he proposed we didn't even have to think about the day; it would be May 17th. Yet, my family decided that was not a good day for them. I then became very bitter towards my family. How selfish of them to tell me MY wedding date was not good for them. It was not about them... Tim and I had to mad dash to our venue and see what other days were available... March 3rd was. We decided to move the date in hopes it would be more accommodating to others. It still wasn't... oh well.

This weekend I had the pleasure of having Owen his momma, Amanda, his aunts Jessica and Taylor at my house. As we were talking about the wedding and married life Amanda told me she was so happy to hear the wedding date was changed from May to March. She had not told anyone of her pregnancy when we had announced our engagement and when she heard May she knew she would not be there....

I said I don't get it. She explained had our wedding been in May 1. I would not have been in Texas to help in the delivery of Owen 2. She would not have come to the wedding 3. God had his hand in it.

As I sat there digesting what she was saying I realized all the anger at my family was misplaced. God had moved my wedding date so I would be in Texas, he took my wrist pain the day of Owen's birth so I could hold up his mom, he allowed me to experience the miracle of birth so my fear would be no more. God is amazing and with out Amanda sharing that I do believe I would never be able to appreciate the wedding date of March 3rd.

So thank you God, Amanda, and this amazing miracle baby - Owen Wayne!

Color Me Rad

This weekend was AWESOME! I ran a 5k with some amazing people. The 5k was a color run. You are covered in colored corn starch at the end of the run. It can only make you smile. The run made me thankful for my health, friends, and life. Without the small things we don't have much. These runs I have been doing are a chance to bring me closer to all those small things. I can't wait for my future runs! :)

Enjoy the photos!



Brooke, James, Tim, me, and Linds



 

Breakthru

Last night on my way home from a shopping trip to Home Depot and Target, with my sister, a song came on the radio... Tenth Avenue North - Losing. I sang the words as loud as possible while praying. I need to take into my heart the words of the song.

I was told to "flush the shit."  I used to be amazing at forgiveness, I let bitterness take over and I really want to flush it.

I decided last night with the help of the songs lyrics to truly let go, and let God. God is always there to help it is us who forget to take our troubles to him and to honestly give them to him to handle. We aren't always strong enough to do it alone.

Take a moment - read these lyrics, take them into your heart, let go of the bitter you are holding. Forgiveness doesn't always help the one who hurt you, it will however make you feel better.

Because like the song says, without forgiveness you will feel like the one losing! Let go... it's okay.

Tenth Avenue North - Losing:

I can't believe what she said
I can't believe what he did
Oh, don't they know it's wrong?
Don't they know it's wrong?

Well maybe there's something I missed
But how could they treat me like this?
It's wearing out my heart
The way they disregard

Oh, Father won't You forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doin' (oh no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

It's only the dead that can live
But still I wrestle with this
To lose the pain that's mine
Seventy times seven times

Lord it doesn't feel right
For me to turn a blind eye
But I guess it's not that much
When I think of what You've done.
This is love. This is hate.
We've got a choice to make

Why do we think that hate's gonna change their heart?
We're up in arms over wars that don't need to be fought
But pride won't let us lay our weapons on the ground
We build our bridges up, but just to burn them down
We think pain is owed apologies and them it'll stop
But truth be told it doesn't matter if they're sorry or not
Freedom comes when we surrender to the sound
Of Mercy and Your Grace, Father, send Your angels down (singin')

Oh, Father, won't you forgive them?
They don't know what they've been doing (oh, no)
Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losing
I feel like I've been losing

Oh, Father, give me grace to forgive them
Cause I feel like the one losin'

A Part of Something Else

This week was the 4th of July. Every year my parents throw a huge party at their house, every year we go. This year I did not want to. Why you may ask? Well simply stated I don't feel like a part of the family.

I feel like I am different, more like an outsider attending a family reunion; one where I was the guest. Here is the one photo of me and Tim - taken within 7 hours.

While I was there I took notice to my family, maybe because of Tuesday's session, and noticed how different I was from my family. They all seem so close and as though they know everything about everything. Yet, here I am holding in what I feel.

I was told to stand my ground. I ran. I walked away from every negative look, thought, and feeling.

*random side note - I have 2 sets of cousins from my mother's side of the family. I get along with one side so well. The other - well there is SO much drama that I just keep my distance. Anyway, while there I was talking with my sister and she said she loved the set I stay away from... she said they get her. (My thought was...well yeah cause you are a drama lover) and then when talking about my favorites it was like they were abnormal. At this moment I thought back on Tuesday. They seek the drama to complete them and when they can't find it they create it. Instead of commenting on what was being said I got up and went to my friends/family.

I am not a part of the family I was born into. I am a part of something else. Something I have yet to find. I am not like them. I am different. But the different is not something negative. The difference is in my mind, my attitude, my spirit. I am not measured by my last name.... I am Sabrina Rae.

Forgiveness

This started it ...

Alot has been taking place within and around me to make this song matter that much more to me. For starters - I keep holding things in to the point I boil. Secondly, I have the tendency to forget to forgive.
One of my strong suits from my past was that I was always so forgiving, I would be able to forgive someone immediately. Today, well today I seem to be picking up those things I had forgiven and using them against those that hurt me. Sounds stupid. But, forgiveness does give you the power to move on, to lose the bitter taste, to be the one freed. It isn't about sticking it in a dark hole and praying it fades. It is about lying it at God's feet, honestly forgiving the person, and moving on. This is what I am no longer good at.
I start a new passage in my life on the 3rd. This new adventure I hope proves to be of good use. I know it will, if anything, give me the strength to face my demons. Wow, I almost cried at writing that sentence. I have so many demons right now I don't know how to smile at the small things. These demons continue to taunt me and use those things I had forgiven as a crutch. I can't seem to let go and let God.
I remember some of the things I choose to not unbury, and I wonder what it is about those things that are being brought from the past that makes them seem beneficial to bring up. There isn't a doubt in my mind that the reason they are reemerging is because of those who have wronged me are still there and I forgot to do one thing. Remove myself from the situation where it only caused me to enter depression. Ironic. Here I am from 18-24 and going in a round circle, facing the same demons I faced in my teens.
Anyways, these two songs on my page are speaking to me. I hope they do the same to you. IT is better to forgive than to hold on, it is better to free yourself from the bitter, and it is amazing when you do feel the release of the anger you carried. Who knows maybe August will bring out a new revelation.
Enjoy Matthew West and Tenth Avenue North


This song brought on this blog.

Depression Hurts

Not sure how many know - but depression hurts. You've seen the commercials, you hear the songs.. but have you ever been in depression? I have.

Years ago I was so deep into depression I was constantely thinking of ways to remove myself from life. I was, as my mom called me, a hermit. I stayed in my room, I wrote dark poems, I listened to music that made me feel. Yet, at the same time, I was committed to God, had friends, and smiled often. Not many people knew what was up.

My way out of depression was not through counseling, intervention, or therphy. It was through the pain. I realized the only way out was to finally know who I was. I decided to empty my yellow room of everything. I mean everything, dresser, bed, night stand, pictures, curtains... you name it and it was gone.

Once I moved everything out I sat in the middle of this bright, cheerful room and decided this was not me. I found a photo of myself and taped it to the center of a wall. I stared at it for hours. Then I started to think about all the things I have ever been called. The good, the bad, and the ugly went up. The words ranged from saint to slut. I wrote every word around my photo (in permanant marker) and then two poems which expressed how I felt. I then sat down and read them all; outloud. I then marked out the words I knew weren't true.

Once finished I sat and cried. I let it all out. I let the emotions consume me. It hurt. I hated it. Yet, here I am facing another round of depression wondering what to do.

Will blogging help, will I need to do that again, will I need to counsel myself, will I lose it all? I don't know. I do know I don't want to be the "hermit."

So here I sit, typing, thinking my way this time isn't about my self image. It is about those around me. I can't fix this with a simple image of myself. I need to express myself and allow others to know how they affect me. Counseling may be the answer this time.

~ side note there are photos of the wall -  I will post.

Rant and Rave 6-12-12

When I think of all the times I kept my mouth shut and smiled it makes me wonder why.

A friend of mine gave me a book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff," last year. I finally am reading it. At page 19, it discussed doing good things for people and then not telling anyone. In doing so you can reap the benefits of knowing it made someone smile. Had you asked me last Nov. I would agree. Now, not so much.

It seems if  you are constantely doing nice things and people see a pattern they soon start to assume it will come at all times. Well guess what... when you assume you make an ass out of you and me.

I made a conscience decision to not give big gifts this year. (I was burned last year...badly) So, I went and purchased cards for every birthday/holiday in my immediate family. I did this and it killed me. I hate not getting something I know will be cherished.

Anyway - I purchase this card for my sister. She gets it and I get a thanks. I get it - you thought there would be more...sorry I am a little tapped out on my money and gift giving.

Point is later that night I find out not one other family member had got her anything. Are you serious? How freaking rude. No wonder they all ASSUME I will get gifts, if not they get nothing. Anyway, I end up feeling so quilty because all I got her was a card. She deserves more.
My vent is this; how can people be so selfish and not feel anything. How can people be so hurtful to others and not feel anything? How and why do people feel the need to ignore others wants and desires?

Guidance

Many things have been happening in my world since the last post. Majority are about speaking my mind and not holding back or folding.

Yet, I feel this ick sense of guilt for doing so. I am so used to just doing what people want and then moving on. Question though, if you do that then years later they bring it up that they "didn't mean what they wanted" do you change all thougths and fold or stick to it?

My co-worker and I are discussing how things feel right while you do/say them and then you can think of it later and wonder was I really right?!

For so many years I never thought twice of doing something. I simply did things, bought things because I felt they were awesome. Getting married you can't do that. You have to talk and consider how those choices will effect the family.

This post is all jumbled because I can't wrap my brain around what to do. I am torn.

I Survived Warrior Dash Oklahoma 2012

Saturday came and went - as did the Warrior Dash. Running, hiking, obstacles, water, mud, and rocks were all worth the trouble seeing the finish line. After 1.03 hours of gruel pain Jewely and I made it.

We crossed the finish line and felt as though we were flying. Granted our ankles, shins, and chests were pounded we were done. Next year will be amazing and I can't wait to see our costumes for Warrior Dash 2013!

Enjoy the photos everyone! More to come soon -