Depression Hurts

Not sure how many know - but depression hurts. You've seen the commercials, you hear the songs.. but have you ever been in depression? I have.

Years ago I was so deep into depression I was constantely thinking of ways to remove myself from life. I was, as my mom called me, a hermit. I stayed in my room, I wrote dark poems, I listened to music that made me feel. Yet, at the same time, I was committed to God, had friends, and smiled often. Not many people knew what was up.

My way out of depression was not through counseling, intervention, or therphy. It was through the pain. I realized the only way out was to finally know who I was. I decided to empty my yellow room of everything. I mean everything, dresser, bed, night stand, pictures, curtains... you name it and it was gone.

Once I moved everything out I sat in the middle of this bright, cheerful room and decided this was not me. I found a photo of myself and taped it to the center of a wall. I stared at it for hours. Then I started to think about all the things I have ever been called. The good, the bad, and the ugly went up. The words ranged from saint to slut. I wrote every word around my photo (in permanant marker) and then two poems which expressed how I felt. I then sat down and read them all; outloud. I then marked out the words I knew weren't true.

Once finished I sat and cried. I let it all out. I let the emotions consume me. It hurt. I hated it. Yet, here I am facing another round of depression wondering what to do.

Will blogging help, will I need to do that again, will I need to counsel myself, will I lose it all? I don't know. I do know I don't want to be the "hermit."

So here I sit, typing, thinking my way this time isn't about my self image. It is about those around me. I can't fix this with a simple image of myself. I need to express myself and allow others to know how they affect me. Counseling may be the answer this time.

~ side note there are photos of the wall -  I will post.