Do you ever realize how easy it is to quit? I don't mean like a job, but everything. You stop for a day and before you know it a month has went by.
Or, in my case years. While in Tahoka I was asked when the last time I sat in assembly was. I said 2009. I really thought it was then. Nope, 2004!
8 years. I let 8 years go by before I followed through. Lord thank you for not giving up on me. I was so far gone that it seemed useless to come back. Then I heard this song.
Redbird - by Warren Barfield.... wow. It was after Tahoka, but man did it hit me. He never really goes away. One part says, "Everybody that you thought was true, has flown away
I’m gonna be your redbird." God is our redbird. He is always there even after everything we knew is gone.
Read the lyrics. - I think these are right... I could be wrong.
You don’t have to worry,
In Your time of trouble!
I’ll be at Your window there
Singing this song
And I will comfort You
With this love I have for You!
I will never leave You alone.
When Your sky trades warmer blues for colder gray
Everybody that you thought was true, has flown away
Ya I’m gonna be Your redbird
But everything keeps changing
Without any notice
It’s hard to know what is
And isn’t yours
In a weird world
You need a touch of normal
And need to know one thing is sure!
When Your sky trades warmer blues for colder grays
Everybody that you thought was true, has flown away
I’m gonna be your redbird.
Your redbird
Your redbird
When Your sky trades warmer blues to cold cold gray
Everybody that You thought was true, has flown away
Ya I’m gonna be, yes I’m gonna be Your redbird.
Your redbird - Redbird
Then there was this - sidenote:
I have failed in so many things that it is hard to admit. Yet, here lately I feel like I should just try again, try harder, and then maybe not fail.
This week we had a girls ice cream date to Dairy Queen. My mother, 2 sisters, and 2 nephews. I was able to ride with my sister and it was so nice. I had to thank God for allowing it to happen. I didn't fail on his part because I was guided to offer. It was awesome. She has so much going on on I know she needs a break. I hope that with my help that night she may get some rest.
The women in my family are complicated, stubborn, and beautiful.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Awestruck
You ever wake up and by the time you close your eyes you are in awe of the day?
That was my yesterday.
Sometimes you have no idea what is in store for you. That is when we should give everything the benefit of the doubt. Had I allowed my sickness keep me from church yesterday I wouldn't be thinking what I am today.
Yesterday was blessing after blessing. So many answered prayers, so many testimonies, prophecies, and prayers. It was one of the most beautiful services I have sat through. Over 15 prayers, testimonies, and prophecies took place.
The best part about it was my husband's reaction to what unfolded. He is a man of faith, he believes, he prays, and he reads. Yet, like he told me yesterday, he had never felt like God was talking directly to him like he did yesterday.
My husband felt the spirit and I was there to see it happen. God is so amazing, and to see his people follow through with his work is a blessing.
This weekend so many doubts of mine melted away. I know I have much to overcome, but I know if I can maintain this faith and read, pray, and do daily then I will be able to do so.
Thank you God for days like yesterday, for days like today, and for all the days you allow me to wake.
That was my yesterday.
Sometimes you have no idea what is in store for you. That is when we should give everything the benefit of the doubt. Had I allowed my sickness keep me from church yesterday I wouldn't be thinking what I am today.
Yesterday was blessing after blessing. So many answered prayers, so many testimonies, prophecies, and prayers. It was one of the most beautiful services I have sat through. Over 15 prayers, testimonies, and prophecies took place.
The best part about it was my husband's reaction to what unfolded. He is a man of faith, he believes, he prays, and he reads. Yet, like he told me yesterday, he had never felt like God was talking directly to him like he did yesterday.
My husband felt the spirit and I was there to see it happen. God is so amazing, and to see his people follow through with his work is a blessing.
This weekend so many doubts of mine melted away. I know I have much to overcome, but I know if I can maintain this faith and read, pray, and do daily then I will be able to do so.
Thank you God for days like yesterday, for days like today, and for all the days you allow me to wake.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Sidenotes
A song, I have no idea the name of it, came on the radio on my way to work this morning. I have heard it numerous times. Yet, today it seemed to have new meaning.
We are given a chance to wash ourselves clean. We just have to be humble and confess those things and God will forgive. Some things you think, "I didn't do anything wrong." Guess what, most the time if you have to say that it is probably true.
This whole thing with my siblings has got to come to a close. Maybe this was God's way of saying you are a twin for a reason.
Sidenote
* A girl called in requesting they play a song for her twins birthday. They said oh so it is your birthday too. The girl said, "Yeah I guess it is." She then shared how they NEVER spend their birthday apart. My twin and I - well we have pretty much done so since we turned 21. Call it a lack of same interests, friends, or simply too busy... either way we haven't spent it together.
I miss her. I miss our conversations. I miss the occasional text to just see what is going on. I really truly miss being the twins we were.
Maybe God wants me to be humble and let go. I need to be honest and just have a conversation with her, just let God guide it. I pray he gives me the courage to do so. I pray I can let go of the you said, she said mentality I have. I pray I can let go of the jealous, the fear, the anger, and the loneliness I have.
We are given a chance to wash ourselves clean. We just have to be humble and confess those things and God will forgive. Some things you think, "I didn't do anything wrong." Guess what, most the time if you have to say that it is probably true.
This whole thing with my siblings has got to come to a close. Maybe this was God's way of saying you are a twin for a reason.
Sidenote
* A girl called in requesting they play a song for her twins birthday. They said oh so it is your birthday too. The girl said, "Yeah I guess it is." She then shared how they NEVER spend their birthday apart. My twin and I - well we have pretty much done so since we turned 21. Call it a lack of same interests, friends, or simply too busy... either way we haven't spent it together.
I miss her. I miss our conversations. I miss the occasional text to just see what is going on. I really truly miss being the twins we were.
Maybe God wants me to be humble and let go. I need to be honest and just have a conversation with her, just let God guide it. I pray he gives me the courage to do so. I pray I can let go of the you said, she said mentality I have. I pray I can let go of the jealous, the fear, the anger, and the loneliness I have.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Count Your Blessings
This Sunday was awesome.
I went to church and was immediately hit with the spirit. We did not sit in our usual location, instead we were on the opposite side of the church. As I sat I thought, the last time I sat on this side was during Cameron's funeral. I am not sure how to label that emotion. I had tears forming in my eyes... they sang "Count your blessings" after and I thought how blessed am I to be alive and have this life.
Following this another song was sang. It was about meeting on the shore and seeing those who had passed. As I listened and watched this brothern sing I was flushed with emotion. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, my heart was pumping, and I was praying God would tell me what he wanted me to do. Once the song completed I dropped to my knees in prayer.
How blessed are we that a day like that can happen? There were more prayers, testimonies, and preachings, and one prophecy. Every single act was tied to the previous and led to the following. IT was the spirit in motion. The sermons that went forth were exactly what I needed and what the others there needed.
Our goal in this life is what follows. Heaven or hell, we have to choose to be the person who will make it to Heaven. For once we pass, those acts of kindness will be nothing without a confession of sins from a humble heart. Why let those good things and spiritual guidance go to waste. We should want to make the right choices and live through him.
* My cousin later told me about a dream she had, how she felt someone had ended their life too early. But, it was not the living life - but the spiritual life. That the person had given up too early.
- This reminded me so much of myself and others I know. How we let the advisory in and give up. We guit fighting the good fight, and we instead choose what appears to be the easier route. Let me tell you; it is not easier. It is a lonely, dark path that will only lead you to darkness. Hold tight to the light you have!
After church I went to work with my cousin (which that in itself is a blessing) and we continued to talk about church and what we had heard. The spirit was still moving. It hasn't stopped either. I got an amazing compliment from my cousin that rekindled my love of giving, helping, and being. I hope she knows how important she is to me, how blessed I am to have a cousin like her, how truly thankful I am to spend each weekend with her, how strong she is, and how encouraging she is.
God put us here to give, help, and praise. I pray that I do not let this knowledge go. I pray everyday that I can speak of his mercies and his love. Without these things I know I am nothing. I will strive to be a better person, Christian, sister, cousin, wife, and child. Each day I will take on as though I am working for him, through him.
I went to church and was immediately hit with the spirit. We did not sit in our usual location, instead we were on the opposite side of the church. As I sat I thought, the last time I sat on this side was during Cameron's funeral. I am not sure how to label that emotion. I had tears forming in my eyes... they sang "Count your blessings" after and I thought how blessed am I to be alive and have this life.
Following this another song was sang. It was about meeting on the shore and seeing those who had passed. As I listened and watched this brothern sing I was flushed with emotion. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, my heart was pumping, and I was praying God would tell me what he wanted me to do. Once the song completed I dropped to my knees in prayer.
How blessed are we that a day like that can happen? There were more prayers, testimonies, and preachings, and one prophecy. Every single act was tied to the previous and led to the following. IT was the spirit in motion. The sermons that went forth were exactly what I needed and what the others there needed.
Our goal in this life is what follows. Heaven or hell, we have to choose to be the person who will make it to Heaven. For once we pass, those acts of kindness will be nothing without a confession of sins from a humble heart. Why let those good things and spiritual guidance go to waste. We should want to make the right choices and live through him.
* My cousin later told me about a dream she had, how she felt someone had ended their life too early. But, it was not the living life - but the spiritual life. That the person had given up too early.
- This reminded me so much of myself and others I know. How we let the advisory in and give up. We guit fighting the good fight, and we instead choose what appears to be the easier route. Let me tell you; it is not easier. It is a lonely, dark path that will only lead you to darkness. Hold tight to the light you have!
After church I went to work with my cousin (which that in itself is a blessing) and we continued to talk about church and what we had heard. The spirit was still moving. It hasn't stopped either. I got an amazing compliment from my cousin that rekindled my love of giving, helping, and being. I hope she knows how important she is to me, how blessed I am to have a cousin like her, how truly thankful I am to spend each weekend with her, how strong she is, and how encouraging she is.
God put us here to give, help, and praise. I pray that I do not let this knowledge go. I pray everyday that I can speak of his mercies and his love. Without these things I know I am nothing. I will strive to be a better person, Christian, sister, cousin, wife, and child. Each day I will take on as though I am working for him, through him.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Weeklong Endeavours
It has been such a busy week I haven't had time to really think. I was tested this week on intelligence, faith, trust, and prayer.
I was blessed to work with my cousin this week at the Parade of Homes (if you do not know what this is - well you are missing out.) It has always been a "bucket list" item of mine to work it. I had a blast, I truly enjoyed it. I loved how my opinion was considered, how I was able to "impress" people with the knowledge I had on various subjects. It was a great mood lifter.
During the parade I got to learn a lot about my cousin. She is truly an inspiring woman. The things she has gone through and the faith she has - are amazing. I am blessed to be related to someone so strong.
This weekend I also got to attend church. The feeling of knowing you get to hear God's word is something I had forgot about. I am so thankful I am remembering! One of the best things from attending was getting to see my grandma. She is a huge blessing to me and we got to spend some time this week talking. It was exactly what I needed.
The trust and prayer - well let's just say sometimes people "fib" and in doing so it hurts your trust. Thankfully God gives us the power of prayer and we are able to move past it and see the great that is in the person.
*Side note. I seriously wish, hope, pray that I can mend what is broken. I do not know how. I know what is "supposed" to fix it - but honestly, I know it won't. I know it will only hurt things and I pray God shows me what will fix it. What will mend this, what will give us back what we lost.
This week has been long. This week has been challenging. This week has been inspiring. This week has been faithful. This week has been a good week.
Enjoy the weekend everyone!
I was blessed to work with my cousin this week at the Parade of Homes (if you do not know what this is - well you are missing out.) It has always been a "bucket list" item of mine to work it. I had a blast, I truly enjoyed it. I loved how my opinion was considered, how I was able to "impress" people with the knowledge I had on various subjects. It was a great mood lifter.
During the parade I got to learn a lot about my cousin. She is truly an inspiring woman. The things she has gone through and the faith she has - are amazing. I am blessed to be related to someone so strong.
This weekend I also got to attend church. The feeling of knowing you get to hear God's word is something I had forgot about. I am so thankful I am remembering! One of the best things from attending was getting to see my grandma. She is a huge blessing to me and we got to spend some time this week talking. It was exactly what I needed.
The trust and prayer - well let's just say sometimes people "fib" and in doing so it hurts your trust. Thankfully God gives us the power of prayer and we are able to move past it and see the great that is in the person.
*Side note. I seriously wish, hope, pray that I can mend what is broken. I do not know how. I know what is "supposed" to fix it - but honestly, I know it won't. I know it will only hurt things and I pray God shows me what will fix it. What will mend this, what will give us back what we lost.
This week has been long. This week has been challenging. This week has been inspiring. This week has been faithful. This week has been a good week.
Enjoy the weekend everyone!
Friday, October 5, 2012
Santa Fe
Today is an odd day for me. I should be on cloud 9 because we are actually going to close on the old house. Yet, I feel a twinge of saddness. That house was our first home. So much hard work and love went into it.
Last night we were there until midnight working on it... brought back a lot of memories of when I first purchased it... every night we were there until 1am and then went to work/class and back again. That house was a blessing. I pray the new owners feel the same joy and happiness we have had.
Goodbye Santa Fe House.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Faith
I know I am not the perfect example of a christian or of a general person. However, I like to think I am trying hard to maintain the faith that God gave me.
My last post about victories got me thinking. A friend of mine from Texas posted about testifying of God's grace. Another one posted about my sister and the faith that shown through her face. (A lil lady at the grocery store had asked her if she knew Jesus because it showed through her.) Another friend posted about the blessing of a house for her and her husband, others too are constantly posting about the great things God has done for them.
This is my testimony.
2012 has been one of the most trying, stressful, awful years of my life. Yet, it has been sprinkled with some of the most amazing moments I have ever had.
Wedding. The beginning of the year was all stress because of Tim and I's wedding, no one liked the date, no one felt special, everyone had an opinion and ours didn't seem to matter, then Owen Hardt was born... It all made sense. God had a hand in the wedding. Had we kept the original date we never would have been in Texas during his birth and I would not have been there to help, witness, and testify of God's mercy. Blessing 1.
(This is not to be left out, during this I found my rock in my friendships. She is one lady who no matter what is so honestly concerned and there for me no matter what.)
Following the wedding we had an announcement that my sister K. was expecting. It was great news, but then with small issues it ended up leaving me jealous. Yet, God gave me the power to let go and see the true blessing it was that she will have a baby girl after a miscarriage earlier in the year. Blessing 2.
Drama. There were issues with past problems that led my sister M and I to not talking, having issues with family members, my turning to depression and therefore not being happy. I asked God to grant me peace and forgiveness for all those involved. God sent me to counseling where I met Marilyn. Blessing 3.
Houses. Tim and I decided we wanted to make our house into a home for future babies and we knew the current home was not the place to do it. With hours of prayer and mediation we felt it was time to move into a new house. Garcy came into the photo, she was able to find us a home where we are so loved by the community and those surrounding us... I couldn't ask for more. Blessing 4.
Church. With all the drama and houses I felt this huge urge to attend church but just didn't think I could. Then Bethany came into the picture and showed me the brotherly love I used to know so well. The day I finally stepped into church was the hardest. Yet, with more help from Jessica I was able to walk in and testify of his brethern's love for all, and the power of promises. Blessing 5.
(I have not followed through on this 100% but I know God is patient and he knows I will)
Death. Because of my attending church I was able to see those I had missed so badly. Yet, someone was missing. About a week later I got news she had passed. It was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. She was a blessing to me in more ways than one. Blessing (can't give it a #)
Drama. I wanted family photos made which turned into an awful mess between some people I love dearly. To this day one is not talking to me, one I know is waiting for me to spill my emotions, others are waiting to see what unfolds. I am waiting for God to gather us together again so that we can let go and see the things each has to offer. This is a blessing, I think, to us involved because it is allowing us the chance to truly see one another, to dig within ourselves to find what we mean to one another, and to let one another grow as a single human. Blessing 7.
Health. God has given me the strength to be the person I know he wants me to be. With motivation (J) I have been able to do things I know I never would have been able to do. Along with the motivation, has come a relationship that seems to only grow with time. Although she is not my blood sister, she is my sister. She has always been a strength to me that I can not, nor want to, ever replace. Blessing 8.
Tattoos. I know some people hate the idea of ink, but because of the permanent words you can put on your body some are able to have a daily reminder of the growths they have gone through. I was able to go with a friend and well - it was so nice to be asked to join. The tattoo has a great meaning to her and to share this was simply a blessing. Blessing 9.
Overall this year has already brought me so much joy and pain, that I do not know what more lies in store for me. Yet, I know God sends us angles to help guide us. My angles are many, and I am so blessed and thankful for each one of them. I know as you read this there will be hints of, "why didn't she mention this, etc." Well, the reason is these are the biggest moments, there are sooo many more but then the post would be so long you wouldn't want to read. Believe me I remember the little as well.
Thankfully God has allowed my memory to grow with age, and has added more memories that are such blessings.
This is my testimony which I am sure will only continue to grow as the year progresses.
My last post about victories got me thinking. A friend of mine from Texas posted about testifying of God's grace. Another one posted about my sister and the faith that shown through her face. (A lil lady at the grocery store had asked her if she knew Jesus because it showed through her.) Another friend posted about the blessing of a house for her and her husband, others too are constantly posting about the great things God has done for them.
This is my testimony.
2012 has been one of the most trying, stressful, awful years of my life. Yet, it has been sprinkled with some of the most amazing moments I have ever had.
Wedding. The beginning of the year was all stress because of Tim and I's wedding, no one liked the date, no one felt special, everyone had an opinion and ours didn't seem to matter, then Owen Hardt was born... It all made sense. God had a hand in the wedding. Had we kept the original date we never would have been in Texas during his birth and I would not have been there to help, witness, and testify of God's mercy. Blessing 1.
(This is not to be left out, during this I found my rock in my friendships. She is one lady who no matter what is so honestly concerned and there for me no matter what.)
Following the wedding we had an announcement that my sister K. was expecting. It was great news, but then with small issues it ended up leaving me jealous. Yet, God gave me the power to let go and see the true blessing it was that she will have a baby girl after a miscarriage earlier in the year. Blessing 2.
Drama. There were issues with past problems that led my sister M and I to not talking, having issues with family members, my turning to depression and therefore not being happy. I asked God to grant me peace and forgiveness for all those involved. God sent me to counseling where I met Marilyn. Blessing 3.
Houses. Tim and I decided we wanted to make our house into a home for future babies and we knew the current home was not the place to do it. With hours of prayer and mediation we felt it was time to move into a new house. Garcy came into the photo, she was able to find us a home where we are so loved by the community and those surrounding us... I couldn't ask for more. Blessing 4.
Church. With all the drama and houses I felt this huge urge to attend church but just didn't think I could. Then Bethany came into the picture and showed me the brotherly love I used to know so well. The day I finally stepped into church was the hardest. Yet, with more help from Jessica I was able to walk in and testify of his brethern's love for all, and the power of promises. Blessing 5.
(I have not followed through on this 100% but I know God is patient and he knows I will)
Death. Because of my attending church I was able to see those I had missed so badly. Yet, someone was missing. About a week later I got news she had passed. It was one of the most heartbreaking days of my life. She was a blessing to me in more ways than one. Blessing (can't give it a #)
Drama. I wanted family photos made which turned into an awful mess between some people I love dearly. To this day one is not talking to me, one I know is waiting for me to spill my emotions, others are waiting to see what unfolds. I am waiting for God to gather us together again so that we can let go and see the things each has to offer. This is a blessing, I think, to us involved because it is allowing us the chance to truly see one another, to dig within ourselves to find what we mean to one another, and to let one another grow as a single human. Blessing 7.
Health. God has given me the strength to be the person I know he wants me to be. With motivation (J) I have been able to do things I know I never would have been able to do. Along with the motivation, has come a relationship that seems to only grow with time. Although she is not my blood sister, she is my sister. She has always been a strength to me that I can not, nor want to, ever replace. Blessing 8.
Tattoos. I know some people hate the idea of ink, but because of the permanent words you can put on your body some are able to have a daily reminder of the growths they have gone through. I was able to go with a friend and well - it was so nice to be asked to join. The tattoo has a great meaning to her and to share this was simply a blessing. Blessing 9.
Overall this year has already brought me so much joy and pain, that I do not know what more lies in store for me. Yet, I know God sends us angles to help guide us. My angles are many, and I am so blessed and thankful for each one of them. I know as you read this there will be hints of, "why didn't she mention this, etc." Well, the reason is these are the biggest moments, there are sooo many more but then the post would be so long you wouldn't want to read. Believe me I remember the little as well.
Thankfully God has allowed my memory to grow with age, and has added more memories that are such blessings.
This is my testimony which I am sure will only continue to grow as the year progresses.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Small Victory
We are home owners (x2)... that is until we can close on the old house. I pray nothing else pops up along the way.
We walked through the old house once it was empty and I almost lost it. There are so many memories in that house, that will never be forgotten. It is a beautiful home and I thank God he allowed me the chance to own it. Our new home is amazing, the neighbors are amazing, and God is so amazing to grant us this blessing.
As I laid in bed last night I couldn't help but thank him for everything he has given, taken away, and has yet to provide. With each small step along the way I know God is there. Even when times are bad and it seems as though there is no light to be seen, he sends a glimmer.
This weekend was that glimmer. I was able to attend a family outing without the thought of, "what will this do." I am always so worried that I may step on a toe, upset someone, or I may take something the wrong way. I was able to walk away knowing I followed God and allowed him to lead me in conversation.
It is hard knowing there isn't a lot of closeness between me and my family. I used to think we were so close, that we all were constantly together, but as I look back on photos, there wasn't as much as I had imagined.
So, I thank God for the moments he provides. Those moments when you take joy in being with family, seeing those you haven't in some time. Although, one sister was not there, she was on my mind. I do miss her. Although, I was able to discuss her and what is going on without thinking I shouldn't.
I am beyond proud of her for going to school, I am so proud of my brother for the man he has become, I am proud of my other sister for growing as a mother and wife. I am proud of my brother-in-law for, although being scared, has taken the bull by the horns. I am proud of my mother for seeing the good in life and sharing it with others. I am proud of my dad for being a man of great virtue. I am extremely proud of my husband for always being there with the right words, and helping hand.
My family it amazing. Complicated, but amazing. It's the small things that make the small victories.
We walked through the old house once it was empty and I almost lost it. There are so many memories in that house, that will never be forgotten. It is a beautiful home and I thank God he allowed me the chance to own it. Our new home is amazing, the neighbors are amazing, and God is so amazing to grant us this blessing.
As I laid in bed last night I couldn't help but thank him for everything he has given, taken away, and has yet to provide. With each small step along the way I know God is there. Even when times are bad and it seems as though there is no light to be seen, he sends a glimmer.
This weekend was that glimmer. I was able to attend a family outing without the thought of, "what will this do." I am always so worried that I may step on a toe, upset someone, or I may take something the wrong way. I was able to walk away knowing I followed God and allowed him to lead me in conversation.
It is hard knowing there isn't a lot of closeness between me and my family. I used to think we were so close, that we all were constantly together, but as I look back on photos, there wasn't as much as I had imagined.
So, I thank God for the moments he provides. Those moments when you take joy in being with family, seeing those you haven't in some time. Although, one sister was not there, she was on my mind. I do miss her. Although, I was able to discuss her and what is going on without thinking I shouldn't.
I am beyond proud of her for going to school, I am so proud of my brother for the man he has become, I am proud of my other sister for growing as a mother and wife. I am proud of my brother-in-law for, although being scared, has taken the bull by the horns. I am proud of my mother for seeing the good in life and sharing it with others. I am proud of my dad for being a man of great virtue. I am extremely proud of my husband for always being there with the right words, and helping hand.
My family it amazing. Complicated, but amazing. It's the small things that make the small victories.
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