Friday, June 29, 2012
Forgiveness
This started it ...
Alot has been taking place within and around me to make this song matter that much more to me. For starters - I keep holding things in to the point I boil. Secondly, I have the tendency to forget to forgive.
One of my strong suits from my past was that I was always so forgiving, I would be able to forgive someone immediately. Today, well today I seem to be picking up those things I had forgiven and using them against those that hurt me. Sounds stupid. But, forgiveness does give you the power to move on, to lose the bitter taste, to be the one freed. It isn't about sticking it in a dark hole and praying it fades. It is about lying it at God's feet, honestly forgiving the person, and moving on. This is what I am no longer good at.
I start a new passage in my life on the 3rd. This new adventure I hope proves to be of good use. I know it will, if anything, give me the strength to face my demons. Wow, I almost cried at writing that sentence. I have so many demons right now I don't know how to smile at the small things. These demons continue to taunt me and use those things I had forgiven as a crutch. I can't seem to let go and let God.
I remember some of the things I choose to not unbury, and I wonder what it is about those things that are being brought from the past that makes them seem beneficial to bring up. There isn't a doubt in my mind that the reason they are reemerging is because of those who have wronged me are still there and I forgot to do one thing. Remove myself from the situation where it only caused me to enter depression. Ironic. Here I am from 18-24 and going in a round circle, facing the same demons I faced in my teens.
Anyways, these two songs on my page are speaking to me. I hope they do the same to you. IT is better to forgive than to hold on, it is better to free yourself from the bitter, and it is amazing when you do feel the release of the anger you carried. Who knows maybe August will bring out a new revelation.
Enjoy Matthew West and Tenth Avenue North
This song brought on this blog.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Depression Hurts
Not sure how many know - but depression hurts. You've seen the commercials, you hear the songs.. but have you ever been in depression? I have.
Years ago I was so deep into depression I was constantely thinking of ways to remove myself from life. I was, as my mom called me, a hermit. I stayed in my room, I wrote dark poems, I listened to music that made me feel. Yet, at the same time, I was committed to God, had friends, and smiled often. Not many people knew what was up.
My way out of depression was not through counseling, intervention, or therphy. It was through the pain. I realized the only way out was to finally know who I was. I decided to empty my yellow room of everything. I mean everything, dresser, bed, night stand, pictures, curtains... you name it and it was gone.
Once I moved everything out I sat in the middle of this bright, cheerful room and decided this was not me. I found a photo of myself and taped it to the center of a wall. I stared at it for hours. Then I started to think about all the things I have ever been called. The good, the bad, and the ugly went up. The words ranged from saint to slut. I wrote every word around my photo (in permanant marker) and then two poems which expressed how I felt. I then sat down and read them all; outloud. I then marked out the words I knew weren't true.
Once finished I sat and cried. I let it all out. I let the emotions consume me. It hurt. I hated it. Yet, here I am facing another round of depression wondering what to do.
Will blogging help, will I need to do that again, will I need to counsel myself, will I lose it all? I don't know. I do know I don't want to be the "hermit."
So here I sit, typing, thinking my way this time isn't about my self image. It is about those around me. I can't fix this with a simple image of myself. I need to express myself and allow others to know how they affect me. Counseling may be the answer this time.
~ side note there are photos of the wall - I will post.
Years ago I was so deep into depression I was constantely thinking of ways to remove myself from life. I was, as my mom called me, a hermit. I stayed in my room, I wrote dark poems, I listened to music that made me feel. Yet, at the same time, I was committed to God, had friends, and smiled often. Not many people knew what was up.
My way out of depression was not through counseling, intervention, or therphy. It was through the pain. I realized the only way out was to finally know who I was. I decided to empty my yellow room of everything. I mean everything, dresser, bed, night stand, pictures, curtains... you name it and it was gone.
Once I moved everything out I sat in the middle of this bright, cheerful room and decided this was not me. I found a photo of myself and taped it to the center of a wall. I stared at it for hours. Then I started to think about all the things I have ever been called. The good, the bad, and the ugly went up. The words ranged from saint to slut. I wrote every word around my photo (in permanant marker) and then two poems which expressed how I felt. I then sat down and read them all; outloud. I then marked out the words I knew weren't true.
Once finished I sat and cried. I let it all out. I let the emotions consume me. It hurt. I hated it. Yet, here I am facing another round of depression wondering what to do.
Will blogging help, will I need to do that again, will I need to counsel myself, will I lose it all? I don't know. I do know I don't want to be the "hermit."
So here I sit, typing, thinking my way this time isn't about my self image. It is about those around me. I can't fix this with a simple image of myself. I need to express myself and allow others to know how they affect me. Counseling may be the answer this time.
~ side note there are photos of the wall - I will post.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Rant and Rave 6-12-12
When I think of all the times I kept my mouth shut and smiled it makes me wonder why.
A friend of mine gave me a book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff," last year. I finally am reading it. At page 19, it discussed doing good things for people and then not telling anyone. In doing so you can reap the benefits of knowing it made someone smile. Had you asked me last Nov. I would agree. Now, not so much.
It seems if you are constantely doing nice things and people see a pattern they soon start to assume it will come at all times. Well guess what... when you assume you make an ass out of you and me.
I made a conscience decision to not give big gifts this year. (I was burned last year...badly) So, I went and purchased cards for every birthday/holiday in my immediate family. I did this and it killed me. I hate not getting something I know will be cherished.
Anyway - I purchase this card for my sister. She gets it and I get a thanks. I get it - you thought there would be more...sorry I am a little tapped out on my money and gift giving.
Point is later that night I find out not one other family member had got her anything. Are you serious? How freaking rude. No wonder they all ASSUME I will get gifts, if not they get nothing. Anyway, I end up feeling so quilty because all I got her was a card. She deserves more.
My vent is this; how can people be so selfish and not feel anything. How can people be so hurtful to others and not feel anything? How and why do people feel the need to ignore others wants and desires?
A friend of mine gave me a book, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff," last year. I finally am reading it. At page 19, it discussed doing good things for people and then not telling anyone. In doing so you can reap the benefits of knowing it made someone smile. Had you asked me last Nov. I would agree. Now, not so much.
It seems if you are constantely doing nice things and people see a pattern they soon start to assume it will come at all times. Well guess what... when you assume you make an ass out of you and me.
I made a conscience decision to not give big gifts this year. (I was burned last year...badly) So, I went and purchased cards for every birthday/holiday in my immediate family. I did this and it killed me. I hate not getting something I know will be cherished.
Anyway - I purchase this card for my sister. She gets it and I get a thanks. I get it - you thought there would be more...sorry I am a little tapped out on my money and gift giving.
Point is later that night I find out not one other family member had got her anything. Are you serious? How freaking rude. No wonder they all ASSUME I will get gifts, if not they get nothing. Anyway, I end up feeling so quilty because all I got her was a card. She deserves more.
My vent is this; how can people be so selfish and not feel anything. How can people be so hurtful to others and not feel anything? How and why do people feel the need to ignore others wants and desires?
Guidance
Many things have been happening in my world since the last post. Majority are about speaking my mind and not holding back or folding.
Yet, I feel this ick sense of guilt for doing so. I am so used to just doing what people want and then moving on. Question though, if you do that then years later they bring it up that they "didn't mean what they wanted" do you change all thougths and fold or stick to it?
My co-worker and I are discussing how things feel right while you do/say them and then you can think of it later and wonder was I really right?!
For so many years I never thought twice of doing something. I simply did things, bought things because I felt they were awesome. Getting married you can't do that. You have to talk and consider how those choices will effect the family.
This post is all jumbled because I can't wrap my brain around what to do. I am torn.
Yet, I feel this ick sense of guilt for doing so. I am so used to just doing what people want and then moving on. Question though, if you do that then years later they bring it up that they "didn't mean what they wanted" do you change all thougths and fold or stick to it?
My co-worker and I are discussing how things feel right while you do/say them and then you can think of it later and wonder was I really right?!
For so many years I never thought twice of doing something. I simply did things, bought things because I felt they were awesome. Getting married you can't do that. You have to talk and consider how those choices will effect the family.
This post is all jumbled because I can't wrap my brain around what to do. I am torn.
Monday, June 4, 2012
I Survived Warrior Dash Oklahoma 2012
Saturday came and went - as did the Warrior Dash. Running, hiking, obstacles, water, mud, and rocks were all worth the trouble seeing the finish line. After 1.03 hours of gruel pain Jewely and I made it.
We crossed the finish line and felt as though we were flying. Granted our ankles, shins, and chests were pounded we were done. Next year will be amazing and I can't wait to see our costumes for Warrior Dash 2013!
Enjoy the photos everyone! More to come soon -
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