The Unexpected

This week has been completely unexpected. Nothing was as planned and yet everything was amazing.

My brother came over this week and spent about 6 hours just talking with me. I miss him. We have so much in common yet are so different. I truly hope he knows how special he is to me and how amazing he truly is.

Some of the conversation brought us both to tears. I learned some things that shook my world and made my heart melt for him. I know how hard it is to grow up in a daze. I pray he is able to overcome those things people say and use those things to better himself. I know how it can be to not know who you are, or who you want to be. Living up to others thoughts only brings you down. I know. I was there.

Rumors, gossip, thoughts, delusions, etc. can all have negative effects on people. It is the ability to overcome and use those things that create a positive. So whether you hear you are a slut, a no-good loser, or even just worthless it is YOUR choice to say, "No!" Moving from those ideals can create a person so many admire.

I came from the ideals that I was easy (a HUGE misconception), rude, party girl and used those wrong/negative ideals to become someone who I can say I am proud of. :) It is possible. Use forgiveness... that was probably the biggest aid in creating who I am.

Another event was last night... I ran into two old teachers... when asked what I do I was almost shamed. An accountant is not where I thought I would be. I wanted to say - I am a blogger who is working on a website that will help women and men overcome the struggles of abuse, rape, and the ugly. Instead I simply stated an accountant - and I am married now...

I know I should be happy with those two things but it felt like a cop out of life. I failed. - WRONG! I am succeeding - I am becoming the person GOD and MYSELF want me to be! Be happy with who you are and others will see the light in you!



All in all - love yourself and love others the way you want to be loved!

A Little Miracle

Meet Owen Wayne!

This weekend I was able to experience the miracle of birth. I aided a great friend of mine in the birth of her little boy; Owen Wayne. Born May 20 @ 5:25 p.m. (See above photo)

Never in a million years would I think I would be able to say the sentence. Yet, as I say it all I can feel is complete joy and happiness. It was one of the most amazing things to experience and be a part of. The faith the room had, the happiness once he was born, and the joy in the eyes of everyone was breathtaking.

If you know me I am terrified of birth, the thought of something so big (8 lbs 3 oz, 20" long) coming from a hole so small confused and scared me. Being in the room to witness the birth of Owen was something I will forever hold dear to my heart.

It gave me back my faith in the lord, gave me faith in myself, and erased all my fear of birth. It truly is a miracle.

Amanda did so well and did not let the faith falter. She held fast to her beliefs and God granted her life. Wow.

Still somewhat speechless. Congratulations to my dear friend and say hello to Owen Wayne...not even 3 hours old!

Needless to say there is now a little baby fever in me. I just pray I have the strength and faith to do as well as Amanda. Again, congratulations and thank you everyone who helped aid in the miracle of life!

Run for a Cause!

Since I have decided to run the Warrior dash and actually made a decent 5K run the other day I decided to look for another 5K that would be for a cause close to my heart.

I found one!

RAINN ( Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is hosting a run here in Oklahoma City to raise awareness for Rape Abuse & Incest. I am so excited to have yet another race to train for and another reason for showing my support for RAINN.

I posted on my blog Awaken the Silence - about the run as well. I know that some people read my blogs and I truly hope more see these 2 posts because this is a run worth running.

The run is called RAINN Run 5K the link will take you to their Facebook page and where you can register.

I feel truly blessed to have found this run. I had been praying for another reason and motivation to continue running and finding something that means so much to me. I can't wait to show my support. Come on out and join me in a brief 5K that will support a great cause and provide a memory worth sharing.

- Sept 9, 2012 @ 8am @ Earlywine Park in Oklahoma City

Running

Around a month ago I decided to train for the Warrior Dash (5K obstacle course in Morris, OK) when I told my family it was a ton of hope you can do it, don't throw up, and really? So, yes I am running this and I plan on doing it in the only way I know how. The fastest and best way :)

Last night I decided to finally "run" the full 5K. I made it about 1 mile and my chest felt like it would explode. I took out my stop watch and I had run the first mile in 5 minutes. Amazing! Well then I walked about a half mile and decided to jog. I jogged another half mile, and then walked a quarter mile, and ran the last half mile.

When I got to the finishing line I was so sure it was over 45 minutes. Nope! 38.3 minutes!!!!! I did it. I can not believe with some walking I made it under the 40 minutes. I will be trying again tonight and hopefully I can make it to at least 36.

So here is my advice. When people tell you, you can't, the ability to do something is almost forced on you. Use their lack of belief and push yourself. Tell yourself it is possible. You can do it. I used the negative and talked to myself while running and beat my score I was attempting.

Have faith in what you can do and rock it. I have faith in you.

Image

As we know Mother's Day was this weekend. It was hard. I kept thinking I could have been pregnant. It sucks to think so negatively of your body.

Which brings me to the post. I saw a commercial the other day by Dove products. Dove is encouraging girls and women to love themselves, to not have a negative image due to the pressures of society. I agree. I remember growing up constantly worried about my boobs (I had them @ the age of 10), my stretch marks, my crooked tooth. I was not happy in my own skin. The "only" thing I had was my crazy blonde hair that would never turn dark.

I put strawberry blonde highlights in a week ago. It shouldn't have been that big of a deal but from various locations/people I heard it was the worst decision I made. I was told I had lost my beauty, my identity, and what was so special about me. SERIOUSLY? I am almost positive hair does not make a person.

However, instead of being sure of myself and who I am, I began doubting. I started to think I had really lost everything. I feared my husband not wanting me anymore, I thought of those who found me attractive would find me blah, I found my uniqueness to be questioned.

How stupid can we be to allow those negative images, the magazines, the television define what and who we are and what makes us special. Why can't we see the things we have done, overcome, and accomplished and think of how amazing we are.

Don't allow those around you to dictate what makes you who you are. Look in the mirror and see the inside. The exterior isn't what will come with us when we die anyway. Enjoy being who you are and enjoy those things that God has given. Be PROUD! I AM!

Private dreams

You know those deep wishes, hopes, and dreams you have? I want to shout mine from the roof. I want everyone to know, but I can't tell everyone.

I guess this is the patience, cart before horse idea. I don't want people to know because what if it doesn't happen? Then what? Do I appear as a failure in their eyes or do I just create a new dream... I would love to say I would not care to appear a failure but I care. I care deeply.

I found myself yesterday slipping and sharing the dream. After I did I wanted to kick myself in the butt. What now if it doesn't happen?? How will I be able to walk to them and say welp, that was a no go?

Maybe there is a serious - underlying issue at hand. This need to satisfy everyone else's image and not my own. Hell... if that is the case then why not shout it.

~ We will be celebrating our 3 year anniversary tomorrow. I have a dream of what tomorrow (this weekend) will hold. Ironic; I can't even type it in a blog. Needless to say I can't find excitement about the weekend because I fear my dream won't come true and I don't want to become depressed. In turn this means I go into the weekend depressed... yippee.

Time Passes

It's been a while since I have published to the blog. A lot has happened. I got engaged, I graduated, I got married, and I experienced the thought of pregnancy, the disappoint of not being pregnant, and the fear of the future.

Tim and I got married March 3rd. We decided that if we wanted to start our family then we could do it. It was a collective decision to stop birth control. I know - I let my guard down. The fact I can/could allow myself to stop something I felt was my only protection against men means so much. Tim is truly the love of my life and I know that he will always protect me and love me. Amazing what one person can do for another. Any way, outside of that we recently (this week) thought we could be expecting. I have been experiencing a lot of pain in my breats, lower abs, and everyone I talked to said, "You have to be pregnant." I started to think wow, what if we are going to have a baby.

If you know me I never thought this was something I would want. Last night I got in the shower and my period started. I lost it. I felt like I had failed in some way. I do know there is a plan for everything but it was shocking.

I had not realized how badly I wanted a baby. It is so weird to me to think I was so close to something. I just pray I make it through today with out crying.