The Beginning of the End

My last first day of classes. Almost seems surreal to think that this time next year I won't be carrying books, notepads, pens, and pencils around a massive campus. Instead I will be working.

Pulling up to the college was a weird feeling. I only thought wow I have never know "the end." A lot of memories take place while in school. Some of which you wish to forget; others will always remind you of the good times. I love that I have been given the chance to shine for my last semester.

I was given an internship that will test my skills in social media, it will allow me the chance to remain a part of campus while not being on campus 24/7. I am so thankful I have this.

The scary thing is the future. It isn't so much scary as it is slapping me in the face. I get to finally focus on my website 100% and hopefully launch it by 2012 - December. I would die with happiness. I pray God continues to allow me these opportunities and chances.

I am one happy college student.

Leave it in the past

Just some thoughts running through my head. Due to everything leading me to wedding bells I have had a lot on my mind.

Problem is I think it is putting a lot on his mind too... I wonder what it is about a person that lets them know, "yep this is it." I know I have some past issues that linger all to close for comfort on occassions but they reside as reminders of what I was and lost.

He is none of the evil that was my life. He is the good, the other half of me. I have had these dreams for the past week about exes and the relationships I had. I know some people thought I would end up with one of them. I never thought I would.

These dreams are like a reminder of what he means to me. How his compassion, calm, sincerity, and love are what keeps me going from day to day. I truly am blessed to come from the past I had to the future I am embracing.

All blah blah aside - my point is don't dwell in the past. There is a reason it is called the past. It made you who you are, but it does not define you. Those things are there to allow you to realize the growth you have taken part of.

God bless the past and future.

Life Lesson - GO

You know when people suggest going somewhere and you think yeah...but no. DON'T. Just go. I mean what is the harm in going, you may not enjoy yourself?

I have seen this numerous times in my own life. I have the tendency to say no before even thinking something may be worth my time. If it seems like I won't like it then no one can change my mind. In doing so, I have lost out on a lot of fun, exciting, and life changing events. One was just recently.

After I found out the "real" reason behind the trip I felt like poo for saying no. I lost out on something I have been waiting to happen. All because I thought someone else was joining, I was too tired, and I just did not want to drive. Sucks looking back on it now (another life lesson).

Don't look back. Keep moving forward. Allow yourself to embrace the "Suck" for a moment and you will see the awesome that will unfold.

I do wish someone would have slapped me and said hey... GO! Maybe next time. I just pray I get another chance to have this "trip" happen again. I want it so bad, I wish I had more patience.

Past meet the future

Many of my friends are either married, engaged, pregnant, or both...this leaves me wondering what will be my future.

Will I get to be the girl who gets all eyes on her? Do I want all eyes on me? Growing up; my mom would say I wanted attention, I wanted to be loved, I wanted to find someone who would have only eyes for me. I never craved the general attention.

As I got older and a lot of attention came my way I got more and more self-conscience about what I looked like, etc. Then it was taken from my, my name was slammed around the church and no one saw me the way I had seen myself. It took me almost 3 years to finally snap away from the illusion the rumors had started. I could finally look at myself with the admiration I once had (when I was young).

Today, at the tender age of 23, I can look at myself and feel good about who I am and why I am. Yes, it is still hard for me to walk into a church where all they know are the rumors and don't ask for answers. But, I can walk into the church with my head held high knowing the truth and knowing who I am.

I have been lucky enough to find someone who loves me...all of me. I had the illusion sex was simply for the male. I had thought sex was nothing to be cherished, I thought it was simply something you HAD to do to keep a guy. I WAS WRONG! He has made me open my eyes.

Sex is a sharing of love, of spirit and of soul. It is the connection between two people that only God can take away. I cried (tears of happiness). I found what everyone else had been talking about.

We are currently talking marriage. I was worried about the name change, loss of idenity, blah blah. Now, I can't wait to start this new chapter. This chapter of love, honesty, and happiness. I see this marriage as a way to complete the connection, to truly show the love we have for one another.

He is my soul mate, he is my one and only. I thank God he is a part of my life, that he was an answer to my prayers, and that he has remained so since the day I met him.

I love you!

Thoughts

This past week has been full of accomplishments and blessings. I can't help but think God has a major hand in my life. I know I fail, as far as church attendance is concerned, yet I find him constantly in my life.

This week I got an internship. One that I know will help me in the future and will make my last year at OU amazing. The people I will be working with are so nice and up-beat. It's amazing how you can walk into a place and know within an instant it is where you should be. I did this when I applied at SW Tile/Young Brothers... been going on 4+ years now.

Today, I found myself about to head into a depression state. I stopped myself. What do I have to be depressed about? I turned it into a thankful day, a day where everything I do will be for the benefit of God and others around me.

I mean why not? Why don't I do this on a daily basis? Instead, I find myself thinking only of what I want or need. Funny, my relationship with my boyfriend is the same way. I don't ever think about what he may want. I should probably start. Lord knows there are many people in the world who need something that only certain people can give (not saying that person is me).

This blog post is more rambled than I had imagined. I just wanted to say thank you. If you are fighting the urge to be depressed, go up to someone and tell them something nice, give someone a hug, send a surprise text, email them...you never know what will help them - this in turn helps you.

~Sabrina

Opportunities

I can't believe the opportunities God has given me within the last 6 months. I have to shout a huge Thank You! Had I not went on the British Media Tour 2011, I would not have gotten to know Ralph and Dean Foote, which in turn would not have lead me to the possibility of working as a social media intern.

I went in thinking it would be fun, then left thinking omg, this is what I have wanted to do. God is the only one who can handle my situation. I am laying it at his feet. I do pray it sends me where I want to go :)

London Calling

So since  I have no connection to the outside world, minus the internet I figure I could post a few blogs while abroad. I know awesome right? Anyway, so this is the end of day 3... so amazed at how fast it is going. Right now I am sitting in bed trying hard to not fall asleep haha.

So, adventures. We got here and hit the ground running. I don't think we have stopped since we started. We went to the flat then went on a site seeing tour. It was awesome. I love all the beauty here. It simply amazes me.

Yesterday we went to the Observatory in Greenwich, London...by the way super long walk and so beautiful! We then met Sir David Nicholas and talked with him while sitting in the grass under a wonderful sky. Following all these events we went to eat along the Thames (pronounced Tims) River. There was then another site visit at CNN London/International...also a great time. Oh, before all this we went on a river boat tour... better than the bus in my opinion.

Today was awesome. Woke up and met with Wall Street Journal and talked with the .com team...FOUND MY CALLING :) Then we broke up and ate lunch and then went to the Guardian. It is a free night tonight so we are all going to a local pub and enjoy some local drinks.

I am going to stop this lil blog and get ready. Love and miss everyone.

A trip of a lifetime

I will embark on a traveling adventure on the 17th. Am I scared? Yes. Am I nervous/excited? Yes. I honestly have never been out of the country and without a family member of sorts. So, this 18-day trip may teach me a thing or two about myself.

Also, with this trip I am going to play the part of TA (teachers assistant). This means that while I am overseas I will be assisting Dean Foote and herding the cattle of students around a country I have never been to. I can handle the responsibilty but what happens if I mess up?

I won't know how to maintain students very well in a country I don't know. I won't know even what to do with myself. But, with the lord's help I know I will survive and the trip will be a HUGE success.

Let's just pray I don't get mugged, taken, hurt, lost or sick. I would love for this to be a trip of a life time. Thankfully I have Emily (a friend) to go with me and keep me grounded!!!

Reasons

I started this blog as a way to learn about myself. As I write each blog I realize it isn't about just me. Yes, I may be the subject in a lot of the posts but I am learning a lot about the world, beliefs, family, friends, love, etc.

The world is huge and if you keep your head in your own cloud you won't ever see it. I used to do that, I thank God I don't anymore. I hung out with some friends a while back and they were bashing homosexuals. I wanted so badly to get up and leave. I finally said, "Hey, I have a lot of gay and lesbian friends." I do not know of another time when a table got so quiet.

It made me think about how much I have changed. How much I have learned. They were me. I was them just a few years ago. I was so shocked and honestly felt alone. These were my friends and I was completely disconnected from them.

The odd thing. They are Christians. I don't see how judging someone, talking about someone and degrading their whole life is Christian. I know, the Bible says Adam and Eve...not Adam and Steve. But, like I get told...God created Doctors we shouldn't disregard them because we don't use them. So please, just because you don't understand the homosexual nature you think it is okay to be cruel.

I know this blog started as a reason why. But, I can shift gears. My gear went out to my friends who once where afraid to share who they were. A lot like me (no I am not a lesbian). This is in the sense of sharing my past.

Too often are we afraid to open up to who we really are because we fear the judgement and persecution of others.  God already knows your heart, soul and mind. If the people want to judge; let them. You are strong and you can endure.

So, let's show the world who we are. Shout from the roof top. No more hiding. This is for every person, no matter what you may be holding back. If you are afraid to let go of a loved one who has passed, tell the world. If you are afraid to let someone know you love them; tell them. We only live for a while. Why waste it.

Control

Control. This has been a topic on my mind and lips for about two weeks. I am a religious person. No, I don't attend church on a regular basis but I do pray, talk and believe everyday. Now, the control aspect is in relation to birth control.

My religion believes prayer is the first option, well really the only option (I agree). A doctor is there to help heal but I think God has the power to heal and therefore I don't need to go to a doctor. I know a lot of OMG! just happened. I have honestly never been to a doctor outside of my birth control. I don't think I will ever go. I like to think, based on past experience, that God will heal.

Needless to say I have been called a walking contradiction. I am...as far as the bc is concerned. I however have had the priveledge to talk with a pastors wife about the subject. She gave me the understanding and the power to understand why I won't let God have the control over the 'birth' of a baby.

Now, with that said I should give a glimpse to my experience with men. They were crappy. I have been both mentally and physically abused. I have had things taken from me, that weren't theirs to take. But, because of this I think the only way to protect myself and maintain the control they stole from me I stay on birth control.

The purpose of this post is to express the fear a woman has. I should give God the control. I just can't. I can not look at the world and think God will prevent me from all harm. He can, but Satan also has the power to inflict it. So, in order for me to feel completely safe I protect myself from getting pregant, that is if another man takes advantage of me.

My birth control is not so I can 'practice safe sex' it is for me to have control over something  I never had control over. God knows my heart, he knows I will never doubt his power. For this, I know God knows I am scared.

Identity

The prospect of marriage for any person is daunting. I sat here at the computer for two hours and planned out a full wedding.

Why?

Well, couldn't honestly tell you. Maybe a big part of me can't wait for the day. Yet, when it comes to thinking about losing my"identity" I get terrified. I have worked so long to get an identity that exemplifies me.

I was talking with my sister and the last name thing got brought up. Jokingly I said I would have to either hyphen or just keep my last name. But I don't know how much of it was a joke. That is a part of my identity.

I think that in the act of marriage I will lose that. I will lose the 'Prosser' and become the... not Prosser. Granted, I know when I actually say, "I do" I will never regret the day. I guess this all comes from the doom, gloom past of being me.

I have always thought I would never marry. I never wanted to get married. I hated men. I did not ever want a man to be the head of me (totally against the whole Bible thing). I want control. Wow, I could so turn this into another blog about control. I might, tomorrow.

Needless to say. My boyfriend and I are heading into three years together, marriage could be the next step. How do I lose this feeling? Am I going to have the power to say, "I take thee to be mine" and then smile knowing I lose Prosser?

I think I can. I guess like mom says don't put the cart before the horse. Get a ring, say yes to engagement, then lord willing by the 'big day' you can walk down the aisle and say those two words with out thinking of identity.

Mom's Day

Sunday is a day set aside to thank the mother's in the world. My mother deserves one of the biggest. Thank you! I was thinking of my life, her life and our life together. I am reminded daily of the things my mother has taught me, shown me, and instilled within me. She and I are are like reading the same book.

I look at my past and I can tell you the exact moment when I realized my mother is not "evil". Everyone has that thought growing up. I was just lucky enough to see she wasn't at a much younger age. I remember the long talks we would have about life. She doesn't realize it but she has some stories that would shake a tall building to the ground.

My mother is one of the STRONGEST women I know. She has held fast to her beliefs, she took all her children to church, and she was able to raise 4 amazing people.

I could continue but, sometimes simplicity is best. My mother know how I feel about her, she knows she is my best friend, and I am almost positive she knows that without her I would not be the woman I am today.

So happy mother's day mom! I love you

~ your favorite!

Life Lessons

Living in a world where people do not know your past can make the future scary.

I found myself the other day realizing how terrified I am of the opposite sex. I don't look them in the eye, I get super hot, and my heart beats.  No, this has nothing to do with excitement. It all is grounding in my run in with the opposite sex.

I honestly do not have the stories meant for a book of love. However, I do have the stories that could create an inspirational book for women. I want so bad for people to know what it is like to be victim to the cruelty of others. With the understanding, I think, people would be able to have more compassion.

I was able to see the compassion just this past week. A complete stranger saw fear in my eyes and decided to wait with me until my "ride" showed up. I wanted to burst into tears. I had forgotten what it was like to have someone care. Without my having to say anything he knew I needed him to be there.

I look back and all I want to tell that man is, you were my angel. Without him standing with me I am not sure what would have/could have happened. I do not know if it was because he had a family, a daughter... or what. I do know he was able to calm nerves and emotions that normally would have crippled me.

I tell myself daily how independent I am. I am not. I am simply a walking contradiction. I am strong until I am pushed into a circumstance where I have no option.

Another event took place and I was again reminded of the power of God. I was in my hotel room and heard someone trying to get in. I immediately walked into the bathroom and locked the door. I sat down on the floor and prayed to be safe. Granted, I have no idea what would have happened or if I should have just said WRONG ROOM. I won't ever know. I do know God gave me the strength to walk away without feeling an enormous amount of fear.

All in all, walk a mile in the shoes of another. If you think you understand the awkward glance, the lack of eye contact, or the mumble... you don't. Talk with them, make them understand you do care. Give them the compassion that they had not known.

A simple "I care" are the most important words.

Discussions

A friend and I were talking about "discussions". So many people don't talk about things because of the way others may react. I have come to the conclusion that people should talk, they should discuss. In doing so they have the ability to learn and grow through the discussion.

I know there are times when I will talk with people and I find myself thinking about what makes me and them tick. Then I relate the conversation to my life. It is amazing how being able to tell people about your story can make everyone learn.

I posted in  Awaken the Silence about Kara DioGuardi. She is releasing a memoir book about her past. I think it is something everyone should buy. The topic of rape and the effects of rape can't be understood simply from statistics. You need to be able to relate it to something.

DioGuardi shares the story, she allows you into a very personal time of her life. I say, "KUDOS KARA!" It is probably one of the hardest things she has had to do, and in doing so she is allowing others who have been through the same experiences to know it is okay to talk about it, it is okay to keep living.

Take a look at my other blog and you can see what I am talking about. I intend on purchasing the book, and after reading it will give my two cents.
~Sabrina

Walk a Mile

I posted some stories in my Awaken the Silence blog that had me thinking a lot about walking in someone else's shoes. (Funny side note) I was just talking with a co-worker about not knowing what someone else believes because they may have another set of ideas based on their background.

Majority of the topic came from dicussions I had this weekend. We (my classmates and I) were given a project to talk to a minority group and see how they feel they are portrayed in the media. I found it so hard to get the nerve to ask someone that. I would be somewhat offended if I was asked that question, how do I have the right to ask them.

Well, one young lady decided to talk with us. She said it would be hard to talk with some of the Asian community based on the past. i.e. Vietnam War and Pearl Harbor. She said they still remember those things and aren't comfortable with talking to us about anything. It seems so silly to me because I would never have thought of those things, but...walk a mile in their shoes and I know it would be something to think about.

Majority of us only view life from one perspective; ours. We fail to think what it may be like to be from a different family, raised in a different church or no church, to be from a different culture. It's something to keep in mind when we think about what we believe.

So, to tie this all together...it is awesome that the men are willing to see what it is like to 'walk a mile in her shoes' to understand what the world may be like for women, and to raise awareness for rape and sexual assault... so wear the shoes proudly fellas!

Thinking Out Loud

I found an old friend of the family on Facebook. I thought I am adding them; without hesitation I did. Following that I thought to myself, "I wonder if they read my posts, shared articles, etc what they would think of me now." I am no longer the closed minded young girl.

Things in my past have opened my eyes to understand the world isn't as black and white as I have heard it preached. I know I have not attended a church meeting in quite some time, but honestly I don't see the point.

The last time I ventured through the doors I was practically told to sit down and remain quiet. Excuse me? I am sure God will put something on my heart and he won't want me to remain quiet.

It's hard to walk back in fearing what will be whispered. Yet, I still will keep them on my page. I think if they find a problem with the way I view my world they can have the option to delete or not accept me.

I guess this is a lesson in growing up. At 23, I would think I had already done it all... I was wrong and I realize now I have a lot more growing to do.

Introduction

I am going to start this blog in an effort to express myself and my beliefs. I have found it hard lately to describe who I am, and at the same time I find it so easy to explain it to myself.

I am working on another blog called "Awaken the Silence". Since I started working on it, I find myself more concerned about the news, the media, the law, politics...Is this because this blog is important to me.

Before if I looked at stories about rape or sexual assault my insides would curl. Now, they simply boil and then I search for more knowledge on the subject..then I post more. It is amazing to see yourself transform so quickly.

Anyway, point is I know I care, I know I want to learn, and I think it's important to share with others.

~Sabrina