Left Behind

It seems God has pressed something on my mind and my heart for about two months now. As the days go by it becomes more evident why.

It all started when I walked into a funeral of a dear Sister (in faith) and thinking this is what Heaven will be like. There were so many people there that I knew and loved. Not that, "oh I love you" type either. The genuine I Love You. I was overcome with joy and thought how blessed that sister was that she was already experiencing the Heaven I longed to be a part of.

Then came a dream someone shared with me about the coming of Christ and how she felt she should not have been in the group to rise up but somehow she was. She said she had seen those who would be left behind and she cried for them. This was a dream she had long ago and she said today she can see those who were left behind were no longer in the church. I immediately mourned for those I knew had left the faith and weren't living it anymore. I was one of them not too long ago. Then I rejoiced in the fact I listened when God called and wanted me to return. Then, I prayed. I prayed for those who were searching, looking for the God they knew was right there. I prayed they would have their eyes and hearts opened and would run to God.

Next, I have had about 3 complete meltdowns and with each one felt the desire to open my Bible. I had no idea why or what I would read. However, with each time God showed me where to turn. Each time I was overcome with peace and I wept. I wept that God could be so close when I felt so alone. It was amazing.

Then, my mother told me about the Left Behind books. I had read them years ago but didn't really remember them. She said read it. I took the first one from her classroom and read it within 3 days. WOW! It was as though everything prior to reading this was a sign that God wanted me to prepare myself and my loved ones for his return. I was frightened, I was eager, and mostly I was afraid I would not be able to do what he was calling me to do. With each turn of the page I would turn to the Bible to double check. These books will open your mind. I am thankful to have read them and that I was able to go to the Bible when I second guessed the facts. I should study the Bible more.

Lastly, I went to church Sunday upset I wasn't in Tahoka. I felt God had wanted me there, but as I sat and listened to the preaching I was in awe. I felt like God had just tested me to see if I would be willing to go. I was more than willing. Yet, I felt I had failed because I didn't go. Yet, here I sat and it was as though every thought, emotion, or prayer I had mummer-ed within those few months were being taught on. Then the song - Left Behind was started. Talk about a rush of emotion. I felt like God was saying I can hear you. I know what you want and what you desire. I am here. Come to me.

I couldn't breathe. I had never even heard this song before, yet it felt like it was something I had written. I sat there with the rush of emotion and spirit. I thought God you are truly amazing. I couldn't contain it. I wept. I stood and testified on everything I just wrote to you. I know God wants me to get this out no matter how I do it.

He is coming, he is going to take those who are holy, he is going to leave those behind who have failed. I do not want to fail. I want to rise up to the challenge and I want to be one of his. I know  a prayer I seem to pray nightly is to be a light unto others. Each time I prayed it I thought on my sister. She, at numerous times, has been told God shines through her. It is so true and I want to be that way as well.

There are so many examples of living the faith... it isn't just attending church on Sunday and Wed. It is about living it daily, learning daily, and praying daily. Faith without works is dead. Never before has that meant so much to me.

Thank you for taking the time to read. I know I have a lot of learning and growing to do, but I feel as though this is the first step.

Prayers for you and yours.

Death

As a woman living just for herself I never truly took thought to death. I knew it would come and that was all that there was to it. I was living simply to live and death would change nothing.

As a mother death terrifies me. Not only for myself but for my daughter. She has pushed me to believe so much more in God and to have faith.

As we traveled to and from Tennessee this past week I caught myself praying for God to keep us safe on the highways. Last night we hit fog that was so dense we could barely see the car in front of us. As I sat, in the back, with my daughter and Tim drove I continued to think oh, God protect my family. Protect us from the dangers we could possibly hit. I then had a thought. What if I died?

Have you ever truly thought on that question? I sure did. I became terrified that 1. I have not lived fully for my God. 2. My daughter would be left with no mother. Nothing, nothing can prepare you for death. You can live under the fear of it, or you can change your life because of the fear.

Last night I chose to change. I want to live for God, for my daughter, for my husband. I want people to look at me and see the light within me. I want to live doing what God has for me. I don't want to be scared to change my career, my attitude, or my way of life. I have to thank God for the things he has done in my life this past year. He has done so much my whole life; but this past year has left me speechless.

So, take a moment and thank God for the blessings he has given. Take a moment and truly look at your life and ask yourself, "What if I were to die?"

Eddison's Story

Eddison - 1 week old!

First of all - I am a MOMMA! Eddison arrived on August 23rd @ 11:04pm. She was and is perfect... the point of this blog though is because a friend of mine told me I should share my story of how Eddison was born.

I have been blogging since we found out we were expecting. I want Eddison to have something she can go back to when she decides to be a momma, or if she ever doubts why we had her, or if we love her. I want one day for her to continue the blog; maybe change the title to MY STORY. I don't know. Whatever she chooses is best. Anyway.....

The last 38 weeks 3 days, and 11 weeks 4 days have been a trial, a blessing, and a roller coaster. All of it I would not trade for anything. I am so beyond blessed to be a mother. There is nothing in this life I would want to be. Nothing I would rather have... I am a momma and I am so happy.

Now - had you met me say 6 years ago... I wanted to be single, living in New York, and working my life away. How in the hell I thought that was what I wanted I will never know. My life is completely surrounded by my daughter. Everything... EVERYTHING is about her.

Life wouldn't be worth living if she were not a part of it. I love her so very much... and here is her story as written August 31st, 2013. There may be a few things I either did not know or may forgot... but that was as I recalled.

Those of you expecting, Congratulations! Those who just had a baby, Congratulations! Those who are already mommas, Congratulations!

Here is Eddison's Story.

Momma & Daddy

I keep thinking of the simple fact - I will be a momma within 19 days. Tim and I will be parents in a few weeks.

To be 100% honest with everyone.... I never - NEVER - thought I would be a mom. I was going to be a single lady, living in NYC with her cats. Today though, I am married to the most amazing man, I am about to have our first child, and yes I have cats and a dog.

I thank God for intervening in my life and giving me these things I have. I am so blessed to have the things I do. "God thank you for the things you have given and taken from me." I believe that with my whole being.

If I were to be pregnant without Tim being the father I can honestly say I am unsure how I would manage.

Tim is my better half. He is my rock, my home, my companion, my best friend, and my soul mate. The fact he will be in the room while Eddison is being born brings me this calm I never thought I could find. The fact he will be holding my hand, rubbing my back, combing my hair makes me feel at peace with what labor and delivery may bring. He has this way of bringing me to Earth calmly.

There is no worry for what type of dad he will be. He will be amazing. For this, I know he will make me an amazing momma to Eddison. He brings out the good in me. Therefore, Eddison is going to have an amazing man to look up to. She will use him as her guide to finding a husband. For that, I am thankful.

I can not wait to meet her. I can't wait to hold her in my arms and kiss her all over. I cant wait to look into her eyes and see the little girl we made together.

So bring it on Momma title. I can do this. Tim can do this. We will be great parents. (Lord willing)

Taking it a day at a time.

Life is too short. No matter how you look at it there doesn't seem to be enough time to do all the things you would like to do or are supposed to do.

A dear friend of both my husband and I passed away this week. I am in complete shock and disbelief at how this is possible. It seems like just yesterday he was at our house talking trucks, politics, and food. Then he isn't here anymore.

My heart breaks every time I think of him. He was always so kind, so easy to get along with, and eager to help anyone. I called him the gentle giant. How is it possible he is no longer here? I saw the post on FB from a friend saying R.I.P and I simply kept saying no.

With the death of Bro. Kenneth earlier this month to Dustin's death I am completely drained and my heart is in pain. I don't know that I can handle more grief. I miss them both so badly. Their smiles, their eyes, their way of talking with me. It was like no matter what, when they spoke you were the center of attention to them. Nothing else mattered.

So, how is it these two angels are gone?

Then, I have to witness my husband grieve. It seems he doesn't want to show the pain, but at times he is hit with a wave of sadness. I don't know how to help him through. I don't know what to say to make him feel better. I simply am at a loss.

I truly miss these men. I miss those who I've lost throughout the time I have known Tim. I am so thankful God has given me a husband who knows how to calm me down when I fail miserably to take his pain away.

From my cousin Cameron to Dustin. I cant wait to see you all again. To hear your voice, or to have another conversation. Cameron, Vicki, Kenneth, Karla, Dustin... the list goes on. I truly miss you all.

Testimony

I was able to hear a beautiful testimony of the power of prayer and it got me to thinking of how God has been such a huge part of my life within the past year. I don't want to fail and say he wasn't there before - he was. I wasn't. I was selfish and so self absorbed I didn't know how to allow God to get glory. It was not a moment in my life story I am proud of. Yet, here I am and can look back on those days and give him all the thanks he deserves.

The testimony I heard was from a friend who is due before Tim and I. She was told her little boy was breech and if he did not turn she would have to have a C-section. She wrote of how she started with the question why me. Then with prayer and Gods grace she was given peace about the situation. IF she were to have a C-section it was God's will. The great moment where God intervenes. Her little boy is head down and she will be able to labor the way she wanted to. God is truly amazing.

Because of this testimony I think on my own pregnancy. On the moments where I thought why me? Then I thought on all the things where he has stepped in and guided me. I am beyond thankful for those moments.

As we near the arrival of Eddison I can't help but think about how I have one HUGE decision to make. Will we have her at OU or will we have her at home.

There are so many things I feel, heard, think, etc. That guide me in what I think is best for our baby. Then there is my husband. Does he want the same thing? If yes or no, why? I feel once we get to talking about it he turns his listening off. I don't want him to feel like he is being pressured into something he doesn't want to do.

Please pray for us.

The Slap

You know those moments that you think - yep, nothing will happen from this. Then it slaps you in the face and you are wide eyed and so thankful you took part in the moment...well I had one of those moments this weekend.

There are a lot of things on my mind about this pregnancy and I was honestly becoming discouraged by the fact I have no definite answer. Do we ever have a definite answer? So, I thought if anyone can give me the answer it is God.

Well - Saturday night rolls around and I feel awful. Tired beyond belief, up every hour, can't get comfortable, heartburn, and just plain miserable. I woke up Sunday morning thinking forget it. I am not going to church. I wont get the answer I am longing for anyway. I won't get anything from service, and it was raining. I will stay home and rest.

Then a little nudge. I got dressed. Then Tim asks if I am going to church. Ironic. He knew nothing of my wanting to skip out. This is odd because he never asks me if I am going. So, I think okay sure I will go. By this time it is already 10am and I figure forget it. We will be late and I don't want to go.

Another nudge.

My friend Jordan sends me a text asking, "You going to be at church?" SLAP! Okay God you have my attention. I will be there. Late, tired, and all.

The moment I walk into the church I am overcome with happiness. Tired still, but happy. Once we sit down I think.. wow small crowd. Then I turn and see Braiden Fisher. I instantly become filled with joy at seeing him there. Then the church fills up. Brother after Brother stand. Testimonies, prayers, songs, prophecies, preachings.... every one seemed to hit home with me. I kept telling myself stay in your seat.

Then finally I decided to stand. I wanted to stand and say how Satan had almost won with me. I almost didn't come. Had it not been for the question and the text this morning. I would not have stood had it not been for two brethren standing to their feet to testify. I would not have stood but I did not want to fall short. I stood and shared how afraid I was that my daughter would not have the faith to fall back on, that I had been tormented following my baptism by Satan. I stood and shared everything I had felt that morning. Upon sitting I thought that sure was pointless.

Then Braiden began to sing. Wow... and then a sister stood to her feet to testify that all she wanted was to hear him sing. Then Braiden stood to say how he felt the spirit the moment he walked in to sing, but was fearful. Yet, had it not been for my standing to my feet he would not have done. That he was so thankful he did because that sister was in need and was able to have her prayer fulfilled.

I was overcome with joy.

Then here comes Sis. Odessa. She came and prayed for me. As soon as she got on her knee I was in tears. Her prayer was beautiful and filled with everything I had asked. The biggest thing I took from it was she prayed God would fill me with the type of faith my grandfather Jack had. I may not have known him, but wow his legacy holds strong. She then prayed God would guide us in the pregnancy and that my companion would be filled with faith during this time and would see by my example what the faith can do.

Again, I was overcome with joy.

So - although Satan may have almost won. God most certainly was triumphant in this battle. My heart and soul have been filled with peace, calm, and happiness since that morning. It has not ceased to thank him for the things he allowed me to see, hear, and witness.

My thought. If God puts it in your heart, even just a small grain, we should follow through. We should stand tall on what he has given us. We should grasp the moment and be patient to see where it will lead us. Who knows you may receive the SLAP!