Control

Control. This has been a topic on my mind and lips for about two weeks. I am a religious person. No, I don't attend church on a regular basis but I do pray, talk and believe everyday. Now, the control aspect is in relation to birth control.

My religion believes prayer is the first option, well really the only option (I agree). A doctor is there to help heal but I think God has the power to heal and therefore I don't need to go to a doctor. I know a lot of OMG! just happened. I have honestly never been to a doctor outside of my birth control. I don't think I will ever go. I like to think, based on past experience, that God will heal.

Needless to say I have been called a walking contradiction. I am...as far as the bc is concerned. I however have had the priveledge to talk with a pastors wife about the subject. She gave me the understanding and the power to understand why I won't let God have the control over the 'birth' of a baby.

Now, with that said I should give a glimpse to my experience with men. They were crappy. I have been both mentally and physically abused. I have had things taken from me, that weren't theirs to take. But, because of this I think the only way to protect myself and maintain the control they stole from me I stay on birth control.

The purpose of this post is to express the fear a woman has. I should give God the control. I just can't. I can not look at the world and think God will prevent me from all harm. He can, but Satan also has the power to inflict it. So, in order for me to feel completely safe I protect myself from getting pregant, that is if another man takes advantage of me.

My birth control is not so I can 'practice safe sex' it is for me to have control over something  I never had control over. God knows my heart, he knows I will never doubt his power. For this, I know God knows I am scared.