Twins

This weekend we went to Krispy Kreme and while there saw two twin girls at the age of 4. When I asked the mom if they were twins she lit up and said yes. I told her I was a twin as well. She lit up even more and started to ask about what it was like to be a twin.





 
One of the questions that struck me was, "Are you still close?" I wasn't sure what to answer. I simply said we are opposites, some times we can be close but other times we aren't. I said they will always be friends though.

It is hard to think that although I am a twin we are not inseparable. There is a movie about twins that made me cry when I saw it.  It is a comedy but it made me think... I was so much like Jack and she is so much like Jill. Yet, instead of seeing the great things in one another it seems like we always compare.

I do pray that one day we can be close. I am not sure when that may be, but I am willing to wait it out until we both are able to see what one another is capable of and not compare. This is not to be sappy or anything. I just simply want to state that I am a twin, twins with a beautiful girl.... I only wish she saw what I see.






* Seems the post was premature. Things are not getting better. With a deletion from FB I know she does not want to change anything in the relationship. Therefore I will let go.

Here it is - in all the glory I could muster!

I went back and read my old blog posts. Wow... some of the things are so raw and open. Others just a small glimpses. Overall, I have seriously changed in so many ways.

A change was something I had/need to do. I need/ed to change my outlook and how I took/take things in. I was good at it. Things even seemed to get better. Then - BAM.

I don't want to stir things up... but it was suggested to me that I let it out instead of hold it in and explode.

This is about what is in me... that makes me want to slap every person that can't just be happy for another person, to slap those that only see it for themselves, for those people who only think of how it affects them, to those who think their statements aren't being heard, etc.

I am laying it all out there. The things that I don't think anyway has any right to now, but for some reason I feel if I lay it out there then maybe, just maybe, everyone will understand me.
(Honestly doubt that will ever happen but I should try).



from my counselor

1. I finished my last counseling session last week. My counselor told me she was so proud of the changes I had made, how when I first walked in it was head down, and so unwilling. The final day I was able to say I can do it. A week has passed. Guess what, I am right back to being unwilling.  Counseling is amazing. Without my counselor I wouldn't have the courage to just say F it... here it is. Without her I would be so afraid of my own shadow. Yes - I went to counseling and NO I am not ashamed of it.








2. My family is the MOST important thing in my life. Tim comes first... then it is my parents, siblings, and extended family. I got married and in turn I followed the word of God and put God first, then my husband, then myself... and following that my family. I did/do not disown my blood immediate family. They were there first and will always be there. Though we don't all see eye to eye they are important to me and without them I wouldn't be who I am.

3. My selling/buying a new home is not to showboat or rub it into others faces. It is something that will help my family grow, to be stable, safe, and at home. Yes, we will make money from selling our old home. No we aren't making as much as we thought because of repair work for the house. It needs 12 piers. That is EXPENSIVE. We can't even afford to pay for it until we close on the house.... which means yes, we may be "rich" for a week, we will be right back where we are now in 2.

4. As for how much money we have. Let's just say.... we make due. There are occasions where we choose to spoil ourselves. Rarely but there are some. As for going to concerts, repair work, car parts, clothes, etc. Majority of those things happen because of financially planning and gift cards. ;) I am totally a couponer!

5. I am a christian that fails. I know I am not perfect - nor do I wish to portray that. I am simply working on becoming a better christian, that follows the rules, and abides by Gods word.

6. Tim and I are "not preventing" having a baby. We want to have our family grow, but we aren't planning it. We are allowing God to plant the seed when deemed fit.

7. Had you let me meet you for lunch a while back you would have been greatly surprised. Had you not told me I am such an awful person for not apologizing for something I said, had you not assumed you know my financial status, and what happens in my home... you would have been pleased. However, I know no matter my next move it wont change the situation. We haven't been close for years, we aren't the normal relationship, we aren't the butter to my toast type... I am sorry. I am sorry we don't see eye to eye. I am sorry if my life leads you to believe something that is not 100% accurate. I am sorry you feel we won't ever be close. I would love us to be. I just don't know what to do to make this situation go away. I know giving you what you think is causing it won't fix it. I am sorry.

8. My friends are my support system, the encourage me to do the right thing, they encourage me when I am down, they are always there through thick and thin. No matter if we have a small fight or HUGE one, the next day we are okay. They love me for me. I love them for being so honest with me. They don't hold back and are great examples. Thank you guys!

9. I am working out because it makes me feel better. Not to look skinny, not to hide anything, or to pretend I am something I am not. I simply do it because I have more strength and endurance. I love running the obstacle 5k's because when I finish I truly feel like I am on top of the world. It is a high I can't explain.

10. I do sometimes feel like a failure when it comes to my career. I am not the journalist I thought I would be, I don't have my website up and running, and it scares me to think this is it.  I see all these people advancing and going for Masters, etc. Yet, here I sit.... I wish I could change this and not feel guilty about it.

11. I am jealous. I am so extremely jealous of so many things it's stupid. Most are simply because I feel sorry for myself, and others are just pure raging jealousy. I need to get over it. All these people having babies and it seems when Tim and I were trying we couldn't. It upset me. I am now accepting to wait on God, but geesh it was hard. I am jealous of the weddings that my friends have. So beautiful and mine was eeeeeeee..... All in all, I suck because I get jealous so easy.

12. I am having an affair with my diets foe. Ice cream and chocolate. I can't help it. That's all.


Thank you for listening/reading. I know that some of this may strike nerves, or it might make you smile, or  get angry, or just simply go Oh, I get it... all in all. My way out of depression was writing it all out to step back, read it, and change it. So here is my new 2012 version of that.

This is a post meant for just me. IF you happen upon it, read with the knowledge of that. No actual names were mentioned. If you feel it is aimed towards you... well.... it could be ;) said with a smile. I want to change this path I am on. I want to become the person I was, but better. I want to be able to die with the sense of accomplishment and peace I know is possible.

So with many blessings to those reading, and with a prayer that this will be the changing moment in my life, I depart.

Challenge Update

I promised updates....

I am currently on the rest week for Insanity. My weigh in is 132.8. Overall I have lost 3.6 pounds since Aug 12.

Here are some photos

 

Insanity Chart - prior to this post!



This would be the meal plan I came up with!! Includes Cheat Days!

Family and Judgement

I haven't posted in some time. I am not sure if it is due to my lack of excitement or just nothing has really set me to writing.

Today...well I have two rants.
1. Family includes everyone... if you like 'em or not, blood or by marriage.
2. Don't judge me.

My first rant is about family. I was told that family isn't about husbands/wife's and children. This was in relation to family photos. Guess what... without the husband/wife combo there wouldn't be you. So, yep all are family.
It almost made me want to cry. I would never think that Tim was not part of the family. I would not say my brother in law was not part of the family... or my nephews. They are all part of the family and I wouldn't trade that for anything. I understand that being the single one is hard, I understand that sometimes it isn't fun to constantely be reminded of the loneliness. However, I do not understand why you choose to claim family is simply the blood relation and that is it. That blows my mind. It's like saying - I am sorry but since you did not come from my mom and dad you are not my family. Dude, wonder how your husband/wife will feel when you get married. They will never feel as though they are actual family. I don't get it.

Second, it upsets me when people like to throw the doctor card my way. FYI, I don't go. Yes, I used to be on birth control --- guess what there is a post about that here. Yes, I had Lasik - guess what I am not the only one in my church who wears glasses/contacts... (that takes an eye doctor to get those). Yes, I go to the dentist and had braces... sue me.
But, do not tell me that by simply asking a question if someone needs to file an injury report makes me less of a "Christian" than the person I am asking. I do not go to the doctor if I am sick, hurt, etc. I do use my faith in those instances. I know I am not perfect. No one is. I just hate when I get judged.... It hurts.

It makes me think of all those who are judged publicly for what they believe, I am sorry. I have no right to cast my judgement, I have no right to persecute you for something you believe in. If I did so I think I would fail as a Christian. I am allowed to voice my beliefs, and say, "I think that is wrong." I, however, have no right to tell you that you are bound to hell.

Sorry for the rant this morning. I had a fire set under my butt.

6 Week Challenge (Aug 17- Nov 2)

Due to the fact I have fallen off the wagon for about 1.5 weeks, it is time to jump back on.

I am creating a 6 week challenge for myself.

Starting Sept 17  (Monday) and ending Nov 2 (Friday) I intend to lose 6 lbs, which will bring me a weight of 128.

I will finish out my Insanity - this will be complete the week Oct 15th. Upon completion I will then turn to another workout regime (to be determined)

I PROMISE:
1. not to eat out for lunch for 6 weeks
2. drink water or unsweet tea only
3. Only 1 coffee a day.
4. Not eat sweets (once a week if good behavior)
5. Eat healthy foods when I eat
6. To keep a diary of the foods I do eat, along with the workout for the day

There will be constant photo updates, and progress reports.

Help keep me motivated.

The Story

It seems people sometimes don't know, or just don't care, that others can hear them. Point of the post - watch what you say simply around the corner of someone.

Those things can hurt, aimed or not, words hurt. They have the tendency to make others emotions tense, heighten, or just change. When someone decides to give information to someone else it is done so with the acknowledgement that the other won't turn it into something else.

I however have learned that people will say what they want and not care what it does to that person, nor consider what they are suggesting could do to someone else.

What happened was a simple conversation, that now can be said, "Sabrina got wasted and threw up on her purse." When in reality it was exactly what I said. We went out and my friend got sick and she threw up in my car and on my wallet. Simple. End of discussion. Not, sure there is probably more to the story. Nope. That's it. I didn't fluff, bluff, or anything for that matter. So hows about you stay out my business.

For that comment I will now choose to not speak unless I know I can truly trust that person. Which by the looks of it, are not my co-workers.

Friendships

Today I feel like shouting out to my friends. There are a few which fall away for a while, there are some that are a constant 24/7, and some I only talk with on random occassions. ALL are so vital and important to me.

IT seems this year I have come to find the true friends, the honest friends, the friends who will FOREVER be there, and the ones who were there for a moment and changed my life because of it.

God has the tendency to bring people into our life who will guide and make us grow. Each and every person that walks into our life is for a purpose. It truly surprises me at times when God sends them and which ones he uses to influence me.

Friends, you know who you are, thank you for being there for me. I hope/pray I am there for you like you are for me!

A few photos of some great peeps!

*this is what I had on my computer - there are many of you that make this list over and over - just lack the photos ;-)